


Between the Lines

by theycallmethejackal



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-20 08:20:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 25,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5998617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theycallmethejackal/pseuds/theycallmethejackal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Moments between Josh and Donna.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bartlet for America

**Author's Note:**

> These are all scenes as written by the show writers but with me elaborating on what's going on in their minds. None of the characters belong to me, yadda yadda. Let me know what you think!

Donna Moss. Blonde. Young. Possibly crazy.

 

Anyone who goes through five majors and two minors in the span of two years has to be at least a little crazy. Though she said she was only a few credits short after two years, so it doesn’t escape him that she must be smart.

 

She talks fast. Later he’ll discover that she has a tendency to babble, but right now everything she says is a pitch. Everything she’s giving him is a reason to hire her.

 

“Your boyfriend was older than you?” He asks. Because pretty, smart young women like this don’t drop out of college because they “had to” unless they have someone to support.

 

“I think that question’s of a personal nature,” she replies. She’s got the deer in headlights thing going on right now, and he finds it amusing.

 

“Donna, you were just at my desk reading my calendar, answering my phone, and hoping I wouldn’t notice that I never hired you,” Josh points out with a smirk. “Your boyfriend was older?” He repeats. She confirms it. “Law student?”

 

“Medical student.”

 

Close enough. “The idea was you’d drop out and pay the bills til he’s done with his residency.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“And did you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

He chuckles to himself and sits behind his desk, looking up at the crazy woman in his office. “Then why did Dr. Free Ride break up with you?”

 

She falters for a moment, opening and closing her mouth a couple times on a disbelieving exhale before countering, “What makes you think he broke up with me?”

 

Well that, he wasn’t expecting. He’d been right on all other counts though (except the medical student part, but he was close enough). He doesn’t speak for a long moment as they look at each other, each expecting the other to say something first. Donna is the first to break eye contact. She sighs and sits in the chair across from him, her gaze fixed on her hands. Josh keeps looking at her before lifting his hand to rub at his face. “Donna, this is a campaign for the presidency, and there’s nothing I take more seriously than that. This can’t be a place where people come to find their confidence and start over.”

 

“Why not?”

 

His gaze returns to the blonde because he think he might have misheard her. “I’m sorry?”

 

“Why _can’t_ it be those things?” She asks again. He starts to respond, but she interrupts, “Is it gonna interfere with my typing?” She asks incredulously.

 

He changes tactics. Clearly she’s sticking with Bartlet for America, so he just tries to convince her to stay behind in Manchester, but she seems dead set on this job. On being his assistant. “I’ll pay my own way,” she insists as he walks to drop a file on someone’s desk.

 

“With what?” He asks, moving back toward his office with a smirk. He finds this display funny in kind of an adorable way.

 

“I’ll sleep on the floor. I’ll sell my car. Eventually you’re going to put me on salary.”

 

“Donna ––“

 

“Look,” she interrupts again. He kind of hates when she does that. They’ve known each other for five minutes and she’s already interrupted him twice. “I think I can be good at this. I think you might find me valuable.”

 

They stare at each other for what feels like an eternity. The phone rings several times before he finally says, “Go ahead.”

 

She looks at him like she doesn’t quite believe him. Like maybe he’s playing a trick on her. But she answers the phone anyway. “Bartlet for America. Josh Lyman’s office.”

 

He watches her as she stands and checks his date book before telling the caller she’s going to have the press office handle it. He smiles and removes his Bartlet for America badge and hands it to Donna with a grin. The wide smile that finds her lips has his own growing.

 

He has no idea just how valuable she will turn out to be.


	2. In Excelsis Deo

“Heimlich Beckengruber on The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing.”

 

“It’s got a molted calf cover and original drab boards.”

 

“I don’t know what to say.” She chuckles a little. Leave it to Josh to look at her Christmas list and essentially ignore it. Kind of a great metaphor for their relationship, she thinks, running her fingers over the words on the cover before she looks up at him.

 

“I wrote a note inside.”

 

Wide-eyed, her teasing smile fades and she looks down at the book before opening it, finding his familiar handwriting scrawled on the pages.

 

_Donnatella,_

_I don’t think I can ever express just how grateful I am that it was you that answered my phone that day during the Bartlet for America campaign._

 

At this, the blonde makes a little sound with her tongue. “Donna, don’t get emotional,” he pleads quietly, but she doesn’t pay him any mind as she keeps reading.

 

_I love working in the White House. I’ve dreamed of it since I was a kid. But I can honestly say that without you here, I wouldn’t be nearly as excited to come to work every day._

Donna covers her mouth with her fingers as she continues reading his note. She can’t help getting a little emotional. Josh gave her a hell of an opportunity. Anyone else (except maybe Sam) would have laughed her right out of the office. Not Josh. “Donna, don’t get –– ” She ignores him and keeps reading.

_I know I tease you, but you really are an incredible assistant. More importantly, you’re the best friend I could ever ask for. Merry Christmas._

_Joshua_

 

“Let’s try and maintain some sort of…”

 

She closes the cover and looks up at him, her jaw slack, tears pooling in blue eyes. “You see?” She stands, shaking her head at her boss in happy disbelief. “You spend most of our time being, you know, you –– and then you go and write something like this to me.” Wrapping her arms around his neck, Donna hugs him tightly. “Thank you.”

 

She feels his head move, his nose pressing into the crook of her neck and shoulder before he lifts it again. “I meant it,” he breathes.

 

It’s an oddly long hug for a boss and his assistant, but she doesn’t care because the usually extremely cocky Josh Lyman has just expressed how much he needs her, and damn it, she’s going to enjoy that.

 

But it’s them and of course she has to make a little jab at him just before they part. “Skis would’ve killed you?” She grins as they part, her left hand sliding down his shoulder and grazing his chest.

 

“Yeah,” he replies tightly with a seemingly bashful duck of his head.

 

“’Kay,” she replies, tilting her head to find his eyes again, a silent thank you from her to him before he turns to head back to his office. Watching him go, she opens back to the first page and rereads his note, a bright smile meeting her lips.


	3. The White House Pro-Am

“It’s an interesting book.”

 

His eyes have been wandering the room, alternating mostly between the door and Congresswoman Reeseman. God, he hopes Sam was able to do damage control with the First Lady.

 

“The hundred years ago thing?” Josh replies absently, turning toward his assistant. It’s Donna, so she always has some sort of random factoid to blather about –– Indonesia executing suspected sorcerers, for instance –– so he doesn’t much care about whatever she’s about to tell him happened a century ago.

 

“Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm of the foot pedals.”

 

_Wait, what?_

 

His brow furrows as he watches her. He’s not just pretending to listen while he waits for either Sam or Dr. Bartlet to enter the room. Donna has managed to really catch his attention. His eyes focus on the blonde intently as she continues without missing a beat, “They recommended slipping bromide, which was thought to diminish sexual desire, into a woman’s drinking water.”

 

Donna Moss is a babbler; Josh has come to learn this over the last two years. Actually, he came to learn it about thirty seconds into meeting her, but the point is that her incessant talking has made him very familiar with her voice. And right now it’s different. The pitch is lower, and she’s speaking just a little breathier than usual.

 

If he didn’t know any better, he’d think she was attempting to seduce him. At that thought, his mouth goes just a bit dry, and he asks what he believes is the obvious question: “Why would anyone want to diminish a woman’s sexual desire?”

 

Her eyes remain unabashedly fixed on his as she lifts her teacup toward her lips. “We can get out of hand.”

 

He stares at her for what feels like a very long moment, when in actuality it is less than two seconds. Fortunately the First Lady enters the room at just that moment and approaches Becky Reeseman. He watches the interaction keenly, but he can’t manage to get one highly inappropriate thought out of his head.

 

Just how out of hand can Donna Moss get?

 


	4. In the Shadow of Two Gunmen | Part I

_Turn green, damn it!_

 

The President of the United States was just shot. Surely that’s a good enough reason to violate traffic laws. She keeps glancing at the pager she tossed on the dashboard. Josh should have paged her by now. Something like this happens and he hasn’t tried to contact her? It terrifies her. If Josh is so panicked that he hasn’t bothered to page her, then the President must be in really bad shape.

 

She’s not sure her car can handle it, but when the light changes, she presses the gas hard.

 

The ER is bright. Not in a pleasant way, but in that horrible fluorescent way her classrooms in high school were lit. Plus the walls and floors are light, making everything seem so much brighter. It’s all a blur as she rushes through the halls in an attempt to find anyone she knows. Anyone who can send her in the direction of Josh or Leo or CJ.

 

She’s seen a few Secret Service agents, but it’s a few minutes before she finally sees one she knows who’s willing to lead her back to where the staff is gathered.

 

She sees someone in the room talking, but she interrupts anyway. “I’m sorry. They told me I should come back here. I’m _sorry_ ,” she whispers. She’s not really sure what it is she’s sorry about, but it felt like the right thing to say at the moment. “Is there word on the President?” She asks, crossing her arms over her chest and looking at everyone. They’re all looking at her the same way, but in her panic, she can’t quite decipher the emotion behind it.

 

“The President’s gonna be fine,” CJ responds, her voice comforting.

 

“Oh, thank god,” Donna replies, exhaling with relief. “That’s the best news I’ve ever heard.” They’re still looking at her, though, and her ability to babble kicks into gear. “I got here as fast as I could. I had a hard time getting in. I had to find an agent who knew me and I – I was shaking. Just… I didn’t know––”

 

“Donna…” The blonde looks toward the voice. Toby is hunched over, his elbows on his knees. It’s a long moment before he finally says, “Josh was hit.”

 

Her heart stops. She swears it does, and she can’t manage to speak for a few seconds. “Hit with what?” Donna finally asks. She knows with what, but her brain and her currently idle heart refuse to reconcile that information. Her brain knows, but her heart refuses to accept that Joshua Lyman was _shot_.

 

Toby forces her to accept it. “He was shot in the chest,” he responds in that curt way Toby says everything.

 

“He’s in surgery right now,” CJ adds.

 

 _This can’t be happening._ “I don’t understand. I don’t understand. Is…is it serious?”

 

“Yes, it’s critical. The bullet collapsed his lung and damaged a major artery,” Toby answers.

 

She can’t breathe. A bullet punctured Josh’s lung and she can’t breathe. It damaged one of his arteries and Donna’s heart has stopped. She lifts her hand to her mouth, covering it in hopes that she won’t start sobbing. Joshua Lyman of all people is lying in a hospital bed, possibly on the verge of death. He’s an arrogant, workaholic train wreck of a man, but somehow he always seemed indestructible. How could something like this happen to _him_?

 

The doctor informs them of his status and suggests that everyone go get some rest, but she sits instead. And she’s not going anywhere until she knows Josh is going to be fine.

 

_I should have run that damn red light._

 


	5. In the Shadow of Two Gunmen | Part II

Donna sits in the waiting room with various White House staffers and Abigail Bartlet. She’s not sure why the First Lady sat down next to her of all people, but she’s grateful for the older woman’s comforting presence. Between Mrs. Landingham earlier and now Dr. Bartlet, she feels maybe a little better.

Maybe.

In the back of her mind, she hears Sam ask if the President knows they caught the third conspirator. Good. I hope they shot him in the chest.

She’s pulled out of her violent thoughts by the sound of the First Lady’s voice. Turning her head, the blonde tries to force a smile, but it comes across as sort of a grimace. “You wanna throw some water on your face?”

No. She wants to sit here until Josh gets out of surgery. “You know, I should ask,” she says, tilting her head at Dr. Bartlet, “is there anything I’m supposed to be doing right now?

“No,” the older woman assures her.

Donna elaborates further, hoping that maybe there’s something she can do to help him. She can’t help with the surgery, but maybe there’s something she can do so that when he wakes up, he won’t have to worry about what hasn’t been done.

“No,” the First Lady replies, squeezing her hand gently. “I’m sure it’s covered.”

Donna looks at their joined hands and exhales a shuddering breath. “I’m scared, Mrs. Bartlet,” she whispers.

The older woman nods. “I know you are, Donna.”

The blonde closes her eyes and tries to steady her breathing. “Mrs. Bartlet,” she murmurs after a long moment. “I…do you think I could…” She looks up at the older woman. “I mean if it’s no trouble ––“

The brunette nods in understanding. Donna doesn’t know how she was able to decipher her meaning, but she’s grateful Mrs. Bartlet seems to know what she’s too scared to say.

That’s how she ends up looking through a small window into Josh’s surgery. Abbey Bartlet stands next to her, arm around the blonde’s shoulders. She’s gently explaining what’s going on inside, pointing out each piece of equipment and explaining its function. It helps a little. It helps to understand a little bit of the science behind what she’s watching.

But it’s enough just to see his face. He looks almost peaceful. Before, when Toby told her what had happened, she wished she’d been with him. She’d wanted to be at his side in the ambulance. But now she’s glad she didn’t see him in that kind of pain. He’s going to be fine, she keeps telling herself, hoping that if she says it enough, it will eventually make itself true.

“Do you want a moment alone?” Abbey asks, turning to look at the taller woman. Donna simply nods, her eyes never leaving Josh. “I’ll be right outside,” the brunette whispers, giving Donna’s shoulders a gentle squeeze before stepping back out into the hallway.

At Josh’s head, there’s a nurse –– maybe a doctor –– she can’t quite remember what Dr. Bartlet said. But this member of the surgical team has his hands on either side of Josh’s head. Donna can’t help but wish she was the one there at his side. But she can’t, so she just stands there, watching Josh and trying to keep herself from breaking down.

It’s not until he wakes up seven hours later that she allows herself to cry at all.


	6. The Portland Trip

He hangs up the phone and realizes Donna has turned off the lights. “Can I have the electricity back on?”

 

“No,” Donna answers, hastily collecting files on his desk and heading out to the bullpen.

 

“Why?” He asks. Josh sits up in his chair and starts to follow her out of the office.

 

“It’s time to go.” _Since when? It’s only eight o’clock_ , he thinks. _Since when does that mean it’s time to go home?_

 

“Not for me. Matt Skinner’s coming down from the Hill,” he explains, standing in the doorway of his office.

 

Donna turns back to him, her voice rising several octaves as she asks, “When did this happen?”

 

“Two minutes ago. Did you have plans?” He shoves his hands in his pockets. Donna very rarely objects to staying late. He can count on both hands the number of times she’s left before nine o’clock.

 

“Did I have plans?” Apparently this is a rhetorical question, but Josh doesn’t pick up on this because he asks again. “Look at me.”

 

He does. And dear god, does she look amazing. “Hey, you look _good_ ,” he manages, his response genuine. He knows Donna is a beautiful woman. She’s beautiful even in her work clothes. But this dress…

 

“Yes, I do,” she agrees, turning to head for her desk. That’s when he sees the back… or lack thereof. It’s mostly just her alabaster skin.

 

“You weren’t wearing that during the day today,” he offers lamely, not knowing what else he can say about it that wouldn’t be considered incredibly inappropriate.

 

“Pity the girl who tries to get something past you, Josh,” the blonde drawls, retrieving her coat from the rack. As she puts it on, he silently laments the covering of her skin, all the while bantering with her about the fact that this dress is technically stolen.

 

“I’m a girl on a budget, Josh. I’m being thrifty,” she insists.

 

“Yes, and felonious,” Josh points out, unable to take his eyes off of her. “What are your plans?”

 

She tries to avoid the question, but he just asks again, thinking that they could really save some time if she would just answer his questions instead of trying to worm her way out of it. “We’re having drinks, we’re having dinner, we are dancing, we are having dessert,” she answers, obviously in a rush to get out the door.

 

“No problem. You can do all those things except the drinks, the dancing, and the dessert.”

 

“Josh!”

 

“You need to be done with dinner in an hour and five minutes,” he tells her. It’s not _really_ true. It’s not like he _needs_ her around for his meeting with the congressman. It’s more that… Donna keeps him organized and on track. Without her, he feels a little lost.

 

“Do you see what I’m wearing?” She opens her coat to remind him. Not that he needed reminding; the image of that dress is pretty much burned into his mind.

 

“If you wanna have sex, you better do it during dinner.”

 

The words leave his mouth before he can possibly stop them. Sure, he and Donna don’t have a traditional boss-assistant relationship, but that was definitely not appropriate for him to bring up. She doesn’t seem to mind, though. Donna hasn’t remarked on any inappropriate questions or comments since he asked about her boyfriend the day they met. She just tries to convince him that this is _the guy_. He has to hold back a scoff at the comment, but then she says, “I have an excellent sense about these things.”

 

Then he can’t contain himself. “Actually, you have no sense about these things,” he blurts out, turning back to face the blonde. “You have no vibe. You have _terrible_ taste in men. And your desire to be coupled up will always and forever drown out any small sense of self or self worth you may have.”

 

He sees her visibly deflate, and he feels kind of awful about it. She’s a college dropout who had the gumption to give herself a job and make herself completely invaluable to him. So much so, in fact, that she became indispensible when they won and moved into the White House. Her sense of self worth... Josh knows better than to comment on it.

 

“You’re a downer, you know that? I’m calling you deputy downer from now on.”

 

She turns to go, pleased she got the last word, but Josh could swear it looked like she was about to cry. He has the sudden desire to go after her and apologize, but he just calls after her, “Be back by the time I’m done with Skinner.”

 

When Congressman Skinner comes in later and asks about Donna, Josh says she has no future with the guy. And when Skinner asks why not, Josh’s only response is “because I said so.”

 

He doesn’t know Todd, but he knows he’s not good enough for Donna. No one is good enough for Donna. Especially not any of these gomers she’s gone out with as long as he’s known her. Donna’s too smart to be wasting her time on losers like _Todd_. Again, not that he knows him. But he knows her. He knows just how horrible her taste in men is, so he doesn’t expect this guy could be much better.

 

* * *

 “Did you know she played the trombone?”

 

Ainsley Hayes played the trombone? “I didn’t,” he responds, heading down the hall with Donna.

 

“Tonight stunk, Josh.”

 

He cringes, stopping and turning around to face her. “I’m sorry about that,” he grumbles, fully prepared to launch into a speech about how he just didn’t want her getting her hopes up about a guy that was not good enough for her, but she speaks again first.

 

“I didn’t mean having to work, although that was a treat.” He can’t help smiling at her sarcasm. “I meant the guy.”

 

 _Really?_ “Who was he?”

 

“Lobbyist with Travis/West,” she explains. “He was pretty full of himself and without a lot of cause to be.” He hates seeing her like this. It was part of the reason he didn’t want her going out with him in the first place. She always ends up being upset at the end of the night. He doesn’t like that. He likes the vibrant energy she usually radiates. He’s the grouchy one. They can’t both be.

 

“An obnoxious insurance lobbyist. What are the odds?” He quips, trying to cheer her up.

 

“It’s not funny, Josh.” She slaps him on the arm halfheartedly.

 

“I gotta go see Leo,” he says after a moment. He doesn’t want to leave her right now, but he has to talk to Leo and the President about this gay marriage ban.

 

“I’ll call you in the morning,” Donna tosses over her shoulder as he’s walking away.

 

“You look really great in that dress tonight though.” Josh turns around to fully face her, to catch one more glimpse of how beautiful she looks tonight. “You should buy it for yourself.”

 

Her lips curl into a smile that lights up her whole face, and now he feels better about saying goodnight to her. Even being unable to combat a marriage ban seems a little less grim when Donnatella Moss smiles.

 


	7. Noël

“You wrapped that yourself, right?

 

Josh looks down at his right hand and nods. “The bandage? Yeah,” he replies, grimacing as he looks at it. It’s looking a little grimy. He should probably change it.

 

“Donna’s gonna take you to the emergency room,” Leo explains, falling into step beside him.

 

_Crap._ “She knows?” He asks. If she knows, she’s going to be worried about him, and he hates worrying her.

 

“She was the one who guessed.”

 

Of course she was. And surely she’s done some research, so she probably has nine hundred index cards on the subject of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not that she needs them. By the time she’s finished reading an article, she’s already got all the facts memorized, an ability he finds both endearing and freakish. “I don’t need the emergency room,” he insists, turning to face his mentor.

 

“Come on, it could be infected. You could have a thing.”

 

“What thing?”

 

“How the hell do I know?” Leo asks, clearly exasperated with him already. And they were just having such a nice moment.

 

He starts to protest, but when he turns his head, he sees Donna beside him, holding his coat and backpack. “Let’s go,” she tells him as though there’s nothing strange about what’s happening. She holds out his coat and he slides his arms into the sleeves. When she straightens it on his shoulders, he feels himself relax a bit and miss the feeling of her hands on his back. He’s never realized how much physical contact comforts him.

 

They say their goodbyes and head out of the building. Usually this would prompt the blonde to start on a rant about whatever cause she’d stumbled upon today, but now she’s quiet. So the long walk from the entrance to the gate is quiet save for the bustle of people beyond the gates. And the bells.

 

“I don’t need a doctor,” he finally manages to say, opening the gate and allowing her to pass through.

 

“Are you a doctor?”

 

“Nope.”

 

“Then be quiet.” She smiles just a little bit at her own comment, and Josh can’t help the quirk of his lips in response. Their banter, however short-lived, distracts him from the music long enough for him to take a few deep breaths, but when he stops next to the carolers, he feels it again. The bitter taste in the back of his mouth. Adrenaline, the girl –– Trask –– had pointed out. He feels that apprehension again, the twisting feeling in his stomach. The music is just too much.

 

“Josh?” Her voice rings confidently in his ear, pulling him slowly out of his trance.

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Let’s go.” He feels her hand on his elbow, encouraging him to move away from the carolers and come along to the ER. He listens to the carolers a few moments longer before joining her, his mind still foggy. The sirens echo in his mind. It’s not as overwhelming as before, but it’s there.

 

He feels her arm loop through his, her hand resting on his bicep, and his heart rate starts to slow. He can feel her eyes on him, and he feels anchored now, like she’s brought him back to earth after he’d been floating aimlessly through space. He takes a deep breath and exhales, hoping _eventually_ he will be cured.

 


	8. The Leadership Breakfast

“Donna…”

 

“What was in the envelope?”

 

“Your underwear.”

 

Her heart drops into her stomach with what she’s sure is a very loud _thud_. “What?” Donna looks up at her boss in horror. Sure enough, he’s holding a pair of pink satin underwear. And they belong to her.

 

“I’m holding…your underwear…in my hand…right now,” he manages to explain. And all she can manage to think is that this is _not_ the way he was supposed to see her underwear for the first time. “And the way I know it’s your underwear is that your name is sewn in the back, which obviously we’ll spend some time talking about at a later date.”

 

If there was ever a good time for the earth to open up and swallow her whole, this would be it.

 

“How did you get my underwear?” She asks, her voice a few registers higher than she intends.

 

“Donna ––“ And of course it’s not enough for Josh to be part of this conversation. Sam just had to be here as well. “Did you by any chance wear the same pair of pants two days in a row?”

 

“No,” she responds. She doesn’t know why she denies it. She’s never been a very good liar. And of course Josh forces the real answer out of her by just saying her name. “Yes,” she admits.

 

“Okay when you got dressed on day two did you check the pant leg for the previous days underwear?” Because this clearly isn’t already embarrassing enough; he just has to go into further detail.

 

“I don’t need to check the pant leg – “

 

“Donna.” He sounds as exasperated as she feels.

 

“They fell out of my pants?”

 

“It would appear that way,” Josh replies dryly. Donna notices that they’re no longer dangling from his fingers. He’s actually holding them in both of his hands.

 

This is _so_ not the way he was supposed to touch her underwear for the first time.

 

“Where?” She asks, pleading to any gods she can think of that it wasn’t at --

 

“The South Street Exhibit.”

 

“Where?”

 

“On the floor…in front of Karen Cahill,” he admits slowly. He may be speaking as though this is embarrassing for him, but she can tell he’s trying to hide a smirk. He’s getting way too much enjoyment out of her misery.

 

And then he confirms her worst fear. Karen Cahill found her underwear and sent it to Josh.

 

She whines, her hand coming up to cover her mouth. Donna is absolutely mortified. She wants to say something, to come up with some sort of witty response to all of this, but there is no way out of it.

 

Thankfully CJ comes by and retrieves Sam and Josh at that moment, causing them to leave. But not before he tosses the underwear to her. She turns slowly to her desk and puts the item in her drawer.

 

_This day cannot possibly get any worse._

 


	9. The War at Home

 

Two in the morning isn’t an unreasonable time for them to be leaving the office, but he knows he’s kept Donna longer than she needs to be here, so he tells her to go home.

 

“You alright getting home?” He asks as she approaches the door. Donna doesn’t live in the best part of town, after all, and what kind of boss would he be if he didn’t at least make sure she was going to be okay getting home? After all, it’s his fault she’s leaving so late.

 

“Yeah,” she assures him before looking at Kenny and Joey. “Goodnight, guys.”

 

Watching her go, Josh can’t help but smirk a little to himself. He never had an assistant before Donna, but he can’t imagine any other women staying this late with him. He’s pretty sure any other assistant he could have hired would have bailed by now.

 

Actually, they probably would have bailed a week into the campaign.

 

“They’re just preliminary numbers.”

 

He looks at Joey for a second to process before replying, “They’re not gonna change.”

 

“No,” she agrees.

 

“Five day waiting period.” He’s annoyed with this damn poll. He had to wait for it because of the power outage, and now he has to wait to get the information he really needs. “I didn’t need nationwide. I needed those five districts,” he reminds her. “Now we’re gonna have to dial down the gun rhetoric in the Midwest.” And that’s two steps back for the Bartlet administration.

 

“Why not dial it up?”

 

Josh looks at her for a moment like she’s grown a second head. “Because these numbers just told us that –– “

 

“You don’t know what these numbers just told you. I’m an expert. I don’t know what those numbers just told you.”

 

“We know.”

 

“Really?”

 

Joey is a frustrating woman. But she’s brilliant. That’s what he likes about her. And even though she can’t actually _hear_ him, she keeps up. “Numbers don’t lie,” he insists.

 

“They lie all the time,” Joey counters. “They lie when seventy-two percent of Americans say they’re tired of a sex scandal while all the while newspaper circulation goes through the roof for anyone featuring the story.” Okay, that’s a decent point, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they _like_ the scandal. It can easily be deduced that they want to be informed.

 

“If you polled a hundred Donnas and asked them if they think we should go out, you’d get a high positive response,” she explains, causing him to furrow his brow. Donna had been badgering him about it all day, but he didn’t know she’d actually talked to Joey.

 

_I’m gonna kill her._

 

“But the poll wouldn’t tell you it’s because she likes you and she knows it’s beginning to show and she needs to cover herself with misdirection.”

 

_Wait, what?_

 

“Believe me when I tell you that’s not true,” he replies slowly. He and Donna drive each other _crazy_. There’s no way in Hell she’s trying to get him to go out with Joey because she has feelings for him. No way.

 

“You say these numbers mean dial it down. I say they mean dial it up. You haven’t gotten through. There are people you haven’t persuaded yet. These numbers mean dial it up. Otherwise you’re like the French radical watching a crowd run by and saying ,‘There go my people. I must find out where they’re going so I can lead them.’”

 

“Yeah,” he agrees, not really paying attention to the end of her explanation. The general idea processes, but he’s still stuck on the whole Donna hypothesis.

 

As Joey and Kenny leave, Josh sits still at his desk. It’s another few moments before he lifts is hands to rub at his face. He should be focusing on the numbers, not on whether or not Donna has a thing for him. Why does he care anyway? It’s not like he has those feelings for her. Does he?

 

His mind drifts back to his conversation with Sam:

_"She goes out with guys. Do you get jealous?”_

" _I don't like it. And I usually do everything within my considerable capabilities to sabotage it.”_

He sighs. Why the hell does he do that? He’s _not_ jealous. She’s his friend. And his assistant. He’s not jealous of those gomers she goes out with. He has no reason to be. He could run circles around those guys if she wanted. And she doesn’t.

 

The only conclusion he can come to is that he needs some sleep and Joey Lucas must be out of her mind.

 


	10. People | Part I

“Hello.”

 

“How ya doin?” He jumps to and starts following her excitedly, which Donna has to admit is kind of adorable.

 

But she’s mad at him, so she can’t find him adorable right now. The jackass.

 

“I’m doing fine,” she responds curtly, keeping her gaze forward to avoid looking at him, which proves pointless because he jumps ahead of her and starts walking backwards without skipping a beat.

 

“Did you get the flowers?” He asks. His face lights up when he asks, and she can’t believe he actually thinks this year is going to be different than the previous years.

 

“Yes I did.”

 

“Did you like them?”

 

_Did I like them?_ Of course she did. They’re beautiful and they’re sitting in the bullpen. Plus they’re from him, so she couldn’t help but get a little excited. Of course when she remembered what day it was, her mood immediately turned sour. “They were very pretty.”

 

“Do you know why I sent them?”

 

“I know why you think you sent them.”

 

“It’s our anniversary.” And god help her because the way he grins at that has her heart skipping a beat. But she keeps the disinterested look on her face and keeps walking.

 

“No it’s not.”

 

“I’m the sort of guy who remembers those things.”

 

“No, you’re the sort of guy who sends a woman flowers to be mean. You know you’re really the only person I’ve ever met who can do that,” Donna points out. Flowers are supposed to be nice. They're supposed to be used for romance or appreciation or comfort. They are  _not_ supposed to be used to make someone feel guilty.

 

“I’m quite something,” he replies proudly. Right now she really wants to scream at him.

 

“I started working for you in February. This is April and you’re an idiot,” she tells him, voice raised when they reach her desk. She looks at the computer and tries to ignore her infuriating boss as he proceeds to give the same explanation he gives every year on this day.

 

“Well you started working for me once in February and then you stopped for a while. You started working for me again in April.” _Yes, Josh, I know this. I was there_ , she thinks to herself while trying to focus on the computer screen. “That’s the one I choose to celebrate cause it’s the only one where you started working for me and it wasn’t followed by your not working but rather going back to your boyfriend.”

 

This is the part where she usually bursts and starts shouting at him, but she tamps down her rage and focuses on her work. She’s really proud of her restraint, too. That is until he starts comparing himself to the dreaded ex.

 

The truth is that the guy wasn’t really _mean_. He was selfish, inconsiderate, and a mooch, but he was never really _mean_ to her. By the end of it, there was no love. No _passion_.

 

She imagines that a relationship with Josh would be full of passion.

 

_No, I’m mad at him_ , she reminds herself angrily. _And I don't want him even when I'm **not** mad at him._  “Oh, shut up! Honest to god, do you ever get sick of the sound of your own voice?” She shouts, interrupting him. She knows his answer. Josh Lyman never gets tired of listening to himself talk.

 

“No, no, no, no,” he practically sings as he heads toward his office. And she’s not going to let him walk away from this argument. She hasn’t won yet.

 

“Well where are you going now?” Donna wants to kick herself for how needy she just sounded. She’s still mad at him, damn it!

 

He turns, seemingly confused by her change of heart. “Sam and I are gonna punch up the thing for tomorrow. Hey, we need funny people,” he points out.

 

“Yeah?” She smiles.

 

“You know any?” He asks, that pleased smirk finding his lips and causing her anger to rise right back up as she turns and moves back to her desk.

 

“You know what, Ado Annie?” Josh calls after her, following into the bullpen. “I sent you flowers! I think what you’re trying to say is, ‘Why thank you, Josh. They’re beautiful. How very thoughtful of you. Not many bosses would’ve been that thoughtful!’” Donna frowns through his imitation. He knows how much the April flowers piss her off. Did he _really_ expect her to be _happy_ this year?

 

“Really? Because what I think I was trying to say was shove it,” she counters quickly, facing him.

 

“Okay. Well then I guessed wrong.”

 

“You want me to help with the thing,” she huffs, looking at the file in his hand.

 

“Yes I do. Because you are such an hysterically funny person.” She doesn’t appreciate being patronized, but she’ll take it for now. “Did you notice how I used ‘an’ there properly?”

 

“Yes I did.” Usually she’d be proud that something she told him stuck, but she’s doing her best right now to remain cross.

 

“You crack me up.” He’s got that goofy smile on his face, and she really wants to smack it off that admittedly loveable mug of his.

 

“You know, there are times,” Donna bites back, taking the folder from him, “when to put it quite simply, I hate your breathing guts.” She struts past her boss, heading for the Roosevelt Room.

 

“So the flowers really did the trick, huh?” Josh calls after her, and she can just picture that smug grin on his face.

 

“Oh yeah.”

 

_You have no idea._


	11. People | Part II

“What the hell is happening now?” Why is she repeating his name over and over?

 

“You feel I believe, because you’re quite addle-minded,” she tells him, continuing to help reorganize the mess he’s made, “that this job was my second choice.”

 

“Hey, I’m just grateful we were your last choice,” Josh replies honestly. The day she walked back into his life is still in his top ten happiest moments of his career. Before he met her, he was fine without an assistant, but that month she was gone, he was astonished to discover he was lost without her freakish organizational abilities. Hell, he even missed her rambling off facts he didn’t actually care about.

 

“I’m gonna give you a little gift now, which you don’t deserve ––“

 

He can’t help but interrupt here. The temptation is too strong. “Donna, if you’ve got your old catholic school uniform on under there –– don’t get me wrong, I applaud the thought, but –– “

 

“’Kay, what I need is for you to stop being, like, you, for a second.”

 

From her tone, he can tell this is actually something serious, so he agrees and then shuts up so she can talk.

 

She takes a deep breath like she’s preparing herself for some big confession. “When I came back, you remember I had a bandage on my ankle?”

 

“Yeah.” Of course he remembers. His first thought was that Dr. Free Ride had finally crossed a line. Donna never gave him any reason to believe her ex ever laid a finger on her, but he hates the guy, so he automatically assumes the worst any time he’s brought up in conversation. But she’d assured him she’d just slipped on the ice, so he let it go. “Yeah, you know why? Because you didn’t put down the kitty litter,” he teases.

 

There’s a brief pause where it seems like maybe she’s not going to continue, but then she admits, “I was actually in a car accident.”

 

He’s stunned. All he can do is repeat what she said. “You were in a car accident?” And even though she assures him it was no big deal, even though this was three years ago and he knows she’s fine now, it’s upsetting to learn. “You told me it was a late thaw.”

 

“Yes, I did…” She starts smiling widely at him, which he finds odd. It’s not as though he made a particularly amusing statement. “Anyway,” Donna continues, “they took me to the hospital, and I called him and he came down to get me. And on the way, he stopped and met some friends of his for a beer.”

 

“He stopped on the way to the hospital for a beer?” Now Josh _really_ wants to get in his car, drive to Wisconsin, and deck Dr. Free Ride. Donna Moss was in a car accident and this freaking gomer stopped for a _beer_?

 

“Yes, and so I left him, which was the point of my telling you this. _I_ left _him_.” And this is the second time he was wrong about her relationship with the guy whose name he still has never heard. “So stop remembering that. What I remember is that you took me back when you had absolutely no reason to trust me again.” _Well yeah, because even then I knew I needed you._ “And you didn’t make fun of me or him and you had every reason to.”

 

“Donna –“

 

“You’re gonna make fun of him now, aren’t you?” She asks.

 

“No.”

 

“’Cause that’s why I didn’t tell you in the first place.”

 

“I’m not gonna make fun of him,” he promises. He really does intend to keep that promise, too, but he’s just bursting at the seams. “But just what kind of a dumpkiss were you ––“

 

“He was supposed to meet some of his friends. He stopped on the way to tell them that he couldn’t,” she reasons.

 

“And had a beer?” _Why the hell is she still defending this guy three years later?_ He asks himself. After he stopped for a beer on his way to pick her up from the freaking _hospital_?

 

She smiles at him. “Does this make you feel superior? Yes. You are better than my old boyfriend.”

 

He can’t help but beam at that. It’s such a low bar that he could probably step over it without a second thought, but she’s right. He does feel superior.

 

It’s a long moment before he realizes he’s been staring at her, and he quickly gets to his feet, gathering a few files and heading for the door. “I’m…I’m just saying if you were in an accident, I wouldn’t stop for a beer,” he explains.

 

“If you were in an accident I wouldn’t stop for red lights.”

 

Damn, she’s left him speechless. He just looks at her for a moment. She’s been at the office for eighteen hours now, and she still looks beautiful. She’s wearing a pink sweater and a little tan skirt, and he can’t help but wonder how any guy in the past has been stupid enough to let her go.

 

“Thanks for taking me back,” she tells him, sauntering past. She’s very close to him for the briefest of moments, and he finds himself having to actively resist the urge to reach for her. “Oh, and the flowers are beautiful,” she tosses over her shoulder as she heads back to the Roosevelt Room.

 

He tips his head back, resting it against the doorframe. Maybe Joey Lucas wasn’t crazy after all.

 


	12. Isaac and Ishmael

At Josh’s urging, Donna moves to the phone just outside and calls Leo’s office. Margaret doesn’t know what’s going on, and Leo isn’t in his office, so it proves pointless, as Donna knew it would. They rarely know what’s actually going on during these crashes.

 

Hanging up the phone, Donna lingers just outside the door, watching in amusement as Josh gets schooled on the balance of powers by a high school kid.

 

“But we get a motorcade, so back off,” he finishes with a smirk.

 

She can’t help but laugh to herself as she crosses behind him, leaning against one of the stations. Josh always whines about doing stuff like this, but she knows he secretly loves it, and not just for the obvious reason that he loves showing people just how much smarter he is than they are. He actually recognizes that even though he plans to be in the White House for the next forty years –– he probably plans to die there –– America needs people as smart as him in order to keep America great.

 

Donna watches him encourage the kids to ask questions, and it makes her smile. She knows just how much these seventeen- and eighteen-year-olds are going to learn in however long they’re stuck in this room with Josh Lyman. She spends sixty hours per week with him at the bare minimum, and the things she’s learned from Josh alone could fill all the books in the presidential library. He’s been… well he’s been a mentor to her for the last four years.

 

Not that she’d ever tell him that. His ego is inflated enough already.

 

“So what’s the deal with everyone trying to kill you?” A redhead in the front asks.

 

Donna inhales sharply at the question, but it seems no one notices. She _hates_ this question. Rosslyn was over a year ago, but she can’t help the sinking feeling every time she thinks about it. And she thinks about it a lot. Especially when Josh says things like, “My family members have a habit of dying before they’re supposed to” and then goes on about the box in the trunk of his car.

 

She’d asked about that box once. Josh hadn’t gone into much detail. He just claimed it was to appease his paranoid mother. When he zones out talking about the Joe Pepitone hat his father gave him, however, Donna sees that look in his eyes. It’s the same look he had just before she went to Leo at Christmas. She has to resist going to him and easing him out of his reverie, and she exhales in relief as he starts on another tangent.

 

There’s a reason she’s not called a secretary. Her duties go so far beyond answering phones and typing memos. It’s her job to take care of him whether he likes it or not.

 

On the board, he’s writing an analogy –– one Donna knows the answer to. But she’s not about to steal the focus from the students from Presidential Classroom.

 

“Right or wrong, and I think they’re wrong, it’s probably a good idea to acknowledge that they do have specific complaints. I hear them every day. The people we support. Troops in Saudi, sanctions in Iraq, support for Egypt. It’s not just that they don’t like Irving Berlin.”

 

“Yes it is.” _Well so much for not stealing focus_ , she thinks.

 

“No it’s not,” he dismisses, barely pivoting toward her.

 

“I don’t know about Irving Berlin, but your ridiculous search for rational reasons why somebody straps a bomb to their chest is ridiculous,” Donna points out. How is there anything rational about a suicide bombing?

 

“You just called me ridiculous twice in once sentence,” is his only retort.

 

“Hardly a record for me.”

 

“And you just made my list.”

 

“Nothing happens on the list,” she promises the room. She’s been on his list for years and the worst he’s done is send her flowers on their not-anniversary.

 

“It’s a serious list, but she does have a point, albeit… college girlish.”

 

Rolling her eyes, she smirks. “Watch now as he’s going to put me down and make my point at the exact same time,” she announces. He has quite the knack for that.

 

Donna laughs quietly as he takes the words right out of her mouth: “Hardly a record for me.”

 

* * *

  

She’s been working with this staff since the campaign, but they never cease to amaze her. As she sits in the mess with Josh, Toby, Sam, CJ, and the entire group from Presidential Classroom, she soaks up every piece of information shared by the senior staff. A lot of it is stuff that she knows, but of course there’s always something new to learn. _Always_.

 

Toby’s philosophy, of course, is to kill everyone. Anyone who bugs him needs to get out of the way. He just wants to keep the Yankees, Knicks, Red Sox, Lakers, Laker Girls, and anyone who works at the Palm. Eventually of course he admits that’s not going to work.

 

Sam is the senior staff’s resident terrorism expert, which Donna finds amusing because he’s the sweetest of the group. But he takes an interest in it and starts explaining the first act of terrorism to the room, something that fascinates her. What's even more interesting is the conviction with which he talks about the failure of terrorism and how it always manages to strengthen the beliefs of its victims. Sam is essentially the big brother Donna never had, and she's glad he took her under his wing.

 

And then a kid asks CJ about the CIA, which the men groan about. They find CJ’s affinity for the CIA ‘bizarre’, but Donna admires her stance. The blonde has always considered herself somewhat of a pacifist when it comes to politics. She’s fairly anti-violence (except when Josh was shot –– she wanted nothing more than to see the perpetrators executed), but she’s not as naïve as she was when she first joined Bartlet for America. Sometimes the country needs those people who are willing to fight for America without reaping the glory.

 

“You know what Benjamin Franklin said?” Toby asks her.

 

“He said, ‘Hey, look, I invented the stove’,” CJ quips, causing the blonde to laugh quietly to herself. It's that dry wit combined with her charisma and incredible mind that make CJ so good at her job.

 

That same kid from earlier answers Toby’s question, which obviously bugs CJ. And even though Josh teases Billy again (or Freddy, as Josh has taken to calling him), Donna can see how impressed her boss is with this seventeen-year-old.

 

Then Charlie enters. He starts talking about living in Southeast D.C. Gangs are the main topic of discussion, and he makes the point of comparing it to the sense of belonging these extremist groups foster in their martyrs. Donna tips her head at this. She grew up in Madison, Wisconsin. She doesn’t exactly have experience with gangs, so she’s never thought about it in those terms. The blonde doesn’t have much time to contemplate it, however, because the President and First Lady enter.

 

It’s the first time since they’ve been here that Billy has been speechless, but the boy next to him starts asking about the nobility of martyrdom.

 

“A martyr,” President Bartlet replies, “would rather suffer death at the hands of an oppressor than renounce his beliefs.” Donna nods at that. It’s a similar point to what she’d been trying to make earlier, but the President is so much more eloquent than she, a twenty-eight-year-old college dropout.

 

Abigail Bartlet, Donna thinks, just may be the smartest woman she’s ever met. You must _have_ to be in order to stand toe to toe with Josiah Bartlet. She imagines that’s what made the President fall in love with her. She’s brilliant, and when she speaks, there’s such an air of grace and elegance to her words. Of course Donna only hears part of her speech from outside the door, where she’s checking on the state of the crash, but she knows.

 

_If only I could be like that_.

 

Donna returns to the room and lets the First Lady and the rest of the room know that the crash is over, and she can’t help the little flutter of excitement in her stomach as she looks around at these magnificent people she works with. The people who don’t see her as less than because of her position or her education. They don’t talk to these high schoolers like they’re just kids. They care about the future of the country, a future these kids can shape.

 

“Don’t worry about all this right now,” Josh tells them once his coworkers have gone. “We’ve got you covered. Worry about school. Worry about what you’re gonna tell your parents when you break curfew.” There’s a quiet laugh from the students as he continues. “You’re gonna meet guys. You’re gonna meet girls. Not so much you, Fred.” Donna rolls her eyes with a smirk. Of course he had to make another jab at the kid.

 

“Learn things. Be good to each other. Read the newspapers, go to the movies, go to a party, read a book. In the meantime, remember pluralism. You wanna get these people?” He asks, and Donna bites her tongue. Hell yes, she wants to get them. “I mean you really wanna reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. Makes them absolutely crazy.”

 

From where she stands, she can only see half of his face, but Donna knows he has that look. The look he gets when he does something _good_. There’s very little ego behind it. A few hours ago, he was begging to go home. He didn’t want to spend more than a couple of minutes with these kids, but now, Donna can tell as he dismisses them all, he’s grateful for the crash. He’d never admit it –– he’d say it’s corny as hell –– but he’s proud that today he got to make a difference.

 

It’s one of those little things she loves about Joshua Lyman.


	13. On the Day Before

“I got away with this thing, but you should really learn to tie a bow tie,” Josh teases, smirking at his assistant.

 

“Or you could,” Donna suggests, taking the tie from him. He didn’t feel as cool as Tony Bennett tonight, but at least he didn’t have to worry about whether it was coming undone all night.

 

“Yeah but that doesn’t seem that likely. You can go home,” Josh tells her, turning to head for his office. He knows she’ll be glad to leave before midnight.

 

“I’ll stick around.”

 

“You wanted to talk about something before,” he remembers, turning back and leaning in the entryway to her cubicle.

 

“Yeah,” she replies. He notices she seems a little nervous. Come to think of it, she’d seemed a little nervous when she’d brought it up earlier. Donna doesn’t usually ask for permission before talking, so this must be serious, he thinks, watching her carefully. “Listen, I was fixed up on a blind date a few nights ago…”

 

That’s not what he thought she was going to say, and he certainly didn’t think he was going to feel a knot form in his stomach at this information. In an attempt to hide his true reaction, he smirks and asks, “When?”

 

“A few nights ago,” she replies. “And Ainsley fixed us up. He’s a Republican lawyer working for Ways and Means but he was being transferred,” His blood is boiling now. There are about fifteen different things wrong with the sentence that has just passed her lips. How could Donna go out with a _Republican_? And worse, a Republican he’s been battling with for days over this estate tax. “And it turns out now he’s in government oversight ––“

 

“You can’t see him anymore,” Josh blurts out.

 

She pauses briefly. “I know that.”

 

“You can’t see him anymore,” he repeats, more stern this time. Of all the men in Washington, D.C., she had to go out with the one guy who would piss him off the most? He doesn’t like it when she goes out with _anyone_ , much less a Republican lawyer from Ways and Means who is now council in trying to bring down President Bartlet!

 

“I know that,” she repeats, and he notices she sounds a little sad. She couldn’t have actually liked this guy, could she?

 

He’s afraid of the answer to the next question, but this isn’t just one of Donna’s loser dates. This is one that could actually come back and bite them all in the ass. “It was just that night?”

 

“Yeah. No.” He exhales. This is not good. If anyone saw them together, it’s going to be very bad for both Josh and Donna. “We got together the next night. I know we shouldn’t have.”

 

Suddenly Josh feels very, _very_ warm, so he reaches for his shirt, unbuttoning the first two buttons for some air. “Yeah.,” he agrees with her. He may not be Sam or Toby when it comes to choosing words, but he knows that ‘getting together’ and ‘going out’ imply very different things. Suddenly he’s got these images of Donna in his head. Donna with some smarmy Republican… he has to breathe deeply to calm down. He doesn’t get jealous. Not of the guys Donna…

 

Okay, maybe he gets a little jealous.

 

She starts to defend herself, but he can’t stand to listen to whatever excuse she’s making. “You just thought he was with Ways and Means who I was battling on the Estate Tax,” he growls.

 

She doesn’t bother trying to deny it or make any excuses, and for that he’s grateful, but he has to know, “Did any reporters see you?”

 

“No.”

 

“The second night?”

 

“No,” she promises. She’s looking him in the eye like she always does, and he’s glad for that, but he also knows she can’t possibly be certain no one saw them together. Sam didn’t think anyone knew about Laurie until they took his picture. If Donna meets with this guy again…

 

It’s nothing he can do anything about right now. What’s done is done. He can’t go back in time and stop her from ever meeting this guy. He can’t go back and throttle Ainsley Hayes before she can set them up on a blind date. All he can do is hope that there’s no story in tomorrow’s papers about Josh Lyman’s assistant trying to bribe the majority counsel’s attorney by sleeping with him. And above all, he really doesn’t want to be angry with the one person who sticks by his side through thick and thin.

 

“Alright. You can go home,” he murmurs, stomach still in knots.

 

“President wants you in five minutes.”

 

“Thanks.” Turning away, he heads for his office, closing the door behind him. He closes his eyes and relaxes against the door, trying to remind himself how infrequently Donna screws up. Yeah, her love life is a mess; she dates the biggest losers in D.C., but her work ethic is impeccable. She goes above and beyond. She learned to tie a bow tie so he wouldn’t have to. She took care of him for a month after Rosslyn. She knows what he needs before he even needs it. It’s one mistake. One _big_ mistake, but it will be fine, he tells himself. If this comes out, he'll be called a cheat, but it's Donna who will be slandered by the papers. If it does come out, he's going to protect her. Whatever the cost.


	14. War Crimes

They sit on a bench together, but Donna can’t even bear to look at him. He has her diary in his pocket, and that alone has her stomach in knots. If Josh knew what was in that diary, if he had even skimmed through it, she would never be able to look him in the eye again.

 

It’s not like she’s written her fantasies. Yes, she's had fantasies about sleeping with her boss, but she always told herself it was always purely out of sexual frustration. She just needed to get laid. She hasn’t documented her true feelings about him, but there are little things in there. Things she didn’t even realize the true meaning behind until she re-read them today. She always knew she felt some attraction toward her boss. She knew she loved him in the way you love a close friend.

 

When the hell did she fall in love with Joshua Lyman?

 

After the way he reacted to her going out with Cliff, she was terrified to tell him about her deposition. She lied under oath. She _perjured_ herself. He really should trade her ass for a carton of Luckys.

 

Talking to Sam had been the right call. He gave her such great advice. She easily could have talked to him again about this. He would have had a solution. But this was something she had to tell Josh. It’s something that affects him as much as it does her. He could be accused of coercing her into lying. She won’t be the reason his career goes up in flames.

 

She feels Josh’s eyes on her, but she can’t meet his gaze or she’ll break down right there on a bench in the park. She put them both in jeopardy today. She didn’t do anything wrong and yet she felt the need to lie. What does that say about her?

 

The blonde tries to keep her breathing steady. If she takes a deep breath to calm herself, he’ll notice. If he notices, he’ll touch her. A hand on her back, an arm around her shoulder, she can’t take that right now. She’ll fall apart. Therefore, she’s incredibly grateful for the small amount of space between them on the bench. They’re so comfortable with one another that it’s not uncommon for them to sit a little closer than may be considered appropriate for people with their professional relationship, but right now, she needs a little space.

 

She notices his head turn to look toward the fountain, and she follows his gaze. Cliff has arrived. She looks at him for a moment, wishing that things had been different. She really liked him. Or she thought she did. That was before she realized her feelings for Josh.

 

Donna watches the two men converse. She can’t hear their hushed voices from her place on the bench, but she sees Josh take the diary from his pocket and hand it to Cliff. She hadn’t wanted to give Josh the entries from her date with Cliff and…that night. Thank god he didn’t read those either. At least he trusted her enough to believe she was being honest with her. She would be mortified if he read about the night she slept with Cliff.

 

She feels Cliff’s gaze on her even if she can’t make out his face in the dark, so she turns her head away, facing straight ahead again. How could she have been so stupid? With a sigh, she closes her eyes and breathes deeply. In and out. It’s going to be fine.

 

She opens her eyes again and keeps looking forward. A few seconds later, she feels him sit beside her. He’s close. Their legs don’t touch, but she can feel his warmth.

 

“It’s starting to get cold already,” he comments quietly, and she knows he’s looking at her again. He’s trying to prove to her that he’s not mad, but Donna doesn’t believe it. How can he not be angry with her? “It’s gonna be fine,” he promises, his arm reaching behind her and resting on her back.

 

She can’t help the little shudder that runs through her body at the contact. She remains stoic for a long moment. It might even be a few minutes, but eventually she gives in, leaning on his shoulder and letting herself cry quietly. His arm moves up to her shoulder to hug her to his side, and she thinks maybe he’s right. Maybe it will be fine.

 


	15. 100,000 Airplanes

“Something happened at the half hour mark.” From her place next to Josh in the bullpen, Donna watches Joey sign and hears Kenny speak.

 

“What?” Asks Toby.

 

“They remembered why they liked him in the first place.” Joey smiles, and Donna can’t help but grin along with her. She remembers the first time she ever saw President Bartlet speak. It was back when he was still Governor Bartlet. She’d been getting ready for work in the apartment she shared with her then-boyfriend. Looking back, she can’t remember where he was speaking, but she remembers him talking about opportunity, about the responsibility of the American people to seize it whenever they had the chance.

 

In the back of her mind, she heard her boyfriend say her name. “Donna, you gotta go.”

 

“Yeah,” she’d breathed. “Yeah, I do.” And before she knew it, she was packing her bags, ranting at him about how she’d wasted her life. She’d squandered her own chances at doing something with her life by dropping out of college to support him, and she was done. She wasn’t going to be his meal ticket anymore. So she left. She got in her crappy car and drove over a thousand miles to Manchester.

 

Where she met Josh.

 

She smiles at him. Partially because of the statistics Joey just gave them and partly because of the memory of that day in Manchester. Quickly, she looks back at Joey and tries to bring herself back to the present.

 

”Trustworthy? Sixty percent up from forty-one.”

 

“Give us the real one,” Toby responds. For a moment, everyone in the bullpen is silent, watching with bated breath for Joey to give them the results.

 

“Strong leader?” Joey’s face splits with a smile. “Sixty-nine percent.”

 

The room erupts in cheering, and Donna watches as Josh throws his hands in the air triumphantly before approaching Joey Lucas, giving her a big kiss on the cheek. It’s a great night. Turning her head, she looks at Sam and Toby. In the shadow of the censure, they have been working themselves to the bone writing that speech. They worked tirelessly all month trying to put together the State of the Union, and now they know it paid off. She moves to approach Sam.

 

And then out of the corner of her eye, she sees Josh coming toward her, arms out, and she instinctively wraps her own around his neck and feels him kiss her cheek. Her heart had been racing already with excitement from the polls, and now she feels it speed up even more.

 

She’s in love with him. Completely, hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with her boss. And she can’t say anything. She can’t tell him how she feels no matter how much she wants to. But she can hug him in celebration. When he holds her in the hug just a little longer than she expects and lets his arm linger around her waist after they part, she can pretend that maybe he feels the same way.

 

_And for now that’s enough_ , she thinks as his arm slips from her waist. He goes to CJ and she moves to Sam, wrapping him in a congratulatory hug that lasts much shorter than the one she shared with Josh.

 

They part, everyone moving to either side of the walkway to allow the President to come forward and wrap his arms around Sam and Toby. “Somebody get these guys some pie.”

 

Donna laughs, turning her head when she hears Josh’s familiar chuckle beside her. She wants to slip her arm around his waist and rest her head on his shoulder, but she knows she can’t. It’s not her place, and it’s certainly not the right time with all of these people around. So she just folds her hands in front of herself and watches everyone celebrate. _It will pass_ , she tells herself as Josh rounds the corner and heads out of the bullpen, undoubtedly to go find Amy Gardner. She feels that sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach.

 

It has to pass.


	16. The Two Bartlets

“Good morning.”

 

“I’m a little tired today.”

 

“Really?”

 

“ Yeah.”

 

“From the lovemaking?”

 

Well, if he wasn’t awake enough before, he certainly is now. Briefly he looks at Donna before removing his coat and changing the subject. “I’m supposed to see Leo.”

 

“Yeah, listen. I need a favor. I need you to get me out of jury duty.”

 

Seems Donna wants to change the subject, too. “Why?” He asks.

 

“’Cause I have jury duty.”

 

“When?”

 

“Tomorrow.”

 

Of course it’s tomorrow. Of course she’s coming to him with this problem the day before. “Well why don’t you wait until we’re a little closer and ask me again?” He teases as she follows him through the bullpen. He enjoys this thing they do. Sure, he pretends to be annoyed, but there’s something nice about this walking banter they’ve had going on for the last five years. Ever since the first time they met, in fact.

 

“Can you do it?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“What kind of legal authority to you think I’m empowered with?” He asks, feeling his voice rise in pitch.

 

“But you’re a powerful man.”

 

“You get –– yes.“ He furrows his brow and does a double-take. He’s well-versed in Donna’s tactics of manipulation at this point, but she says it as though it’s the most obvious thing in the world. And even though he knows she’s just saying it to get what she wants, his ego inflates a bit. Donna just called him a powerful man.  “Thank you. You get deferrals, don’t you?” He asks, feeling a little warm. Suddenly he needs to put some distance between them.

 

“Only four.”

 

“And?”

 

“I-I used them all up,” she stammers, causing him to chuckle to himself.

 

“Then it looks like justice is finally in your hands,” he responds. He’s not a practicing lawyer, but he does have a law degree, and he knows how jury duty works. She’s not getting out of it.

 

“I don’t want it in my hands right now. I’m kind of seeing somebody,” Donna explains.

 

“Yes, well there’s nothing I can do for you.” And even if there was, he wouldn’t help her go on a date with one of her gomers. He needs to come up with some sort of screening system for her. Keep her from going out with loser after loser. Clearly she can’t be trusted to do that on her own. She’s wasting time on these guys when she should be with him –– _professionally speaking_ , he amends in his mind. When she goes on dates, he loses his assistant for the duration, and that’s not acceptable.

 

“I’m surprised to hear that ‘cause you’re such a powerful man. All the girls think so. Have you been zapped of your power by the lovemaking?”

 

She’s very close again, and he finds he can’t focus on the question when Donna is talking about sex in such close proximity to him. It shouldn’t have such an effect on him. They joke about sex all the time. He really shouldn’t be getting hot and bothered by a conversation with Donna while he’s trying to woo Amy Gardner.

 

Josh notices Margaret stop in her tracks at the question. Of course she would tune into the conversation at exactly the wrong time. “She’s…I dunno,” he explains lamely. Margaret just tells him Leo’s waiting for him, and he slips into the room, grateful that he doesn’t have to answer Donna’s question about “the lovemaking”.


	17. Dead Irish Writers

Occasionally Josh needs a moment away from Amy. He really, _really_ likes her, but sometimes he feels like she sees their relationship as a political move instead of something personal. Around the time that she was trying to seduce him into doing her bidding, she also happened to ask where Donna was, prompting him to head for the bullpen.

 

“Donna.”

 

“Hello.”

 

“What are you doing here?” She’s dressed up and running around the office putting booklets on desks instead of celebrating the First Lady’s birthday. Donna loves parties like this.

 

“Are you having a good time?” She asks, avoiding his question.

 

“The party’s started.”

 

He keeps following her, but he doesn’t really pay attention to what she’s saying because he knows she’s just snarking him –– her word, not his. _Wait, did she just say men in beautiful gowns?_ “The men are in tuxes,” he replies confusedly.

 

“ _And_ beautiful gowns, I said, not _in_ beautiful gowns,” she corrects, turning to face him.

 

“What are you doing here?” Josh asks again. After all, she’s asking him about the party when she could just be there herself.

 

“There was a problem when the secret service did its routine background check on the guest list.”

 

“Problem with what?”

 

“With me.”

 

Josh furrows his brow as he follows her again. “Donna, you work in the White House.” She’s been vetted hundreds of times. What could have possibly happened to cause a red flag with the Secret Service _now_? “You fly with the President. What’s the problem?”

 

“I do not know,” she replies, seemingly cavalier about it.

 

“Come with me. Come to the party.” He really wants her there. These parties aren’t as fun without Donna.

 

“I don’t think I should do that.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Well, they’ll shoot me,” Donna replies.

 

He doesn’t bother pointing out that they probably wouldn’t shoot her but rather just tackle her. He’s pretty sure that won’t convince her. “They wouldn’t tell you what the problem was?”

 

“They said they’ll get back to me.”

 

“You want me to get into it?” He asks as she turns to face him.

 

“That would be very nice.”

 

“Ok. You look good,” he tells her, turning to go. _She always looks good_ , he thinks to himself as he heads off to figure out why the hell she’s not allowed to come to the party.

 

Later, when he tells her she’s not a U.S. Citizen, she frowns, visibly upset, and he hates it. But once she’s at the party and he tells her about the grandfather clause, her face lights up, and he can’t help that little selfish part of him that’s pleased he got to cause it.

 


	18. The Red Mass

“Hey.”

 

“Huh? Hello.”

 

“How was it?“

 

Donna keeps looking at the book on her desk. “I'm sorry?”

 

“How was it?” He repeats.

 

“It was...I don't know,” Donna looks up as if lost in thought. He made her give up her Sunday to sit through this crap, so she’s going to enjoy messing with him for a bit. “It was... I don't... I don't think... maybe I'm not ready to talk about it yet.”

 

“What was...?“ Josh asks, furrowing his brow at his assistant.

 

“It was a transforming... no, that's the wrong word,” she corrects. “We are not _transformed;_ we locate the light switch. I own myself, Josh.” She does need to remind herself of that on occasion in order to tamp down her devotion to her boss. Her boss who she’s unfortunately pining after. She _really_ needs to tamp that down. “You don't mind if I say that out loud at frequent intervals with no provocation for a little while, do you?“

 

“Why?

 

“Because I live my life out loud,“ she deadpans. The whole seminar made her sick, but she knows that this is making Josh squirm, so she can’t help messing with him. It’s just too good of an opportunity to pass up. And it’s a great way to put that short brush with a drama minor to use.

 

“You're reading the book?”

 

“The owner's manual,” she corrects.

 

“Are you serious?” His voice doesn’t hit that high pitch she wanted, but she’s got him reeled in pretty far, so she’s happy to give up on the prank and start guilting him about sending her in the first place.

 

“No, you idiot! I need a shower!“ Donna tells him, slamming the book shut and moving to grab her purse.

 

“Alright.”

 

“I've got, like, radioactive stuff all over me,” she tells him, fidgeting a bit before looking for her lip gloss.

 

“Man, and you call me a snob,” he points out.

 

“Oh, please.” She turns to look at him. “It was like a meeting for the There But For the Grace of God Society.” That group of people were just an embarrassment.

 

“Anybody ask you out?”

 

She stifles her own laughter and averts her gaze from his for the briefest of moments as she applies her lip gloss. “Shut up,” she retorts, finding his gaze.

 

“So, report to me -- what did he say?”

 

“Why is this important?” Donna asks, following Josh into his office.

 

“What did he say?”

 

“This is cheap.”

 

“I'll say.”

 

“I'm talking about this. So the guy's consulted for Ritchie. He's a buffoon, but he's harmless. Why should it be part of the campaign?” She asks.

 

“Because it's not harmless in an American President,” Josh points out, looking up at her.

 

“Nothing he said was wrong or objectionable,” Donna protests, making herself comfortable in the chair across from him in preparation. She knows where this conversation is going, and it means she’s going to be in here for a while. Not that she’s complaining. “As opposed to the man who was sitting next to me whose name was Fern,” she adds.

 

“Open this book to any page,” Josh instructs, handing her the book he’d grabbed off her desk. She does and hands it back to him. “Okay, well. This is an order form to buy _Owning Yourself_ , follow-up to the bestseller....”

 

" _Leasing Yourself_ ," Donna finishes as he turns to another page. What a ridiculous title.

 

"It's good to be trapped in a corner. That's when you act,” he reads.

 

“That happens to be true,” she defends.

 

“It is. In my case, it's the only time that I do,” he agrees with a smirk.

 

She’s really not getting his point yet. “So?”

 

“It's Immanuel Kant!” He cries out, waving the book. “‘Duty! Sublime and mighty name, that embraces nothing charming or insinuating but requires submission.’ Every year a million freshman philosophy students read that sentence.”

 

“And change their major?” She quips.

 

Josh eyes her for a moment. “You've just got a mouth full of wiseass today, don't you?” He asks.

 

“I located the light switch.”

 

“Could you locate it again?”

 

She squints at him before continuing their conversation. “So he cripped Kant. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?” She asks.

 

“It comes from a 193-page book called _A Critique of Practical Reason_. It's about metaphysics and epistemology. Tomba's impressively boiled it down to two-thirds of one page.” He doesn’t sound so impressed, Donna notes. “Give me another one.”

 

"Look outside the cave,” she quotes.

 

“Right. That's from an old paperback called _The Republic_ by Plato.” Donna smiles to herself because she actually knew that one from her stint as a Political Science Major. “Lucky Tomba's been able to fit it on a fortune cookie so it suits the attention span of the Republican nominee. Here he quotes Robert Frost: ‘Good fences make good neighbors.’ Did he talk about that?” He asks.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What did he say?”

 

“Basically, that if you stay within your personal space, you'll end up getting along with everyone.” That had bugged her. She studied Frost in her English class in high school and again in college, so when Josh asks her about it she has a legitimate answer. “He was being ironic, but I still don't see –“

 

“What does this remind you of? ‘I believe in hope, not fear.’ ‘I'm a leader, not a politician.’ ‘It's time for an American leader.’ ‘America's earned a change.’ ‘ _I_ before _E_ except after _C_!" It's the fortune-cookie candidacy! These are important thinkers, and understanding them can be very useful and it's not ever going to happen at a four-hour seminar.”

 

This is her favorite thing about her job. She doesn’t have her college degree. She came to work for Josh because she was inspired by President Bartlet. She had an interest in politics –– that’s why she majored in Political Science before dropping out –– but she didn’t have any credentials. She had no experience or education that would be worth anything to someone in his position, but working for Josh has proven to be more valuable than any college degree. He gets so passionate about the issues, and when he gets going, she can’t help but be completely drawn in to whatever it is he’s saying.

 

It’s one of the things she loves about him.

 

So by the end of his speech, she’s wholly ready to do as he wishes. “All right,” she agrees, taking the book back. “I'll go through the book this weekend, highlight some things and I'll trace it back.”

 

“Yeah, make sure you ––“

 

“I said I'd do it, Buckminster!” She interrupts.

 

He sits and eyes her, confusion finding his features. “A guy named Fern?”

 

“Don't talk to me about Fern,” she drawls.

 

“You sure it wasn't Vern?”

 

“No. I thought it was Vern but it's Fern.” And when you name your kid Fern, he’s bound to grow up to follow the teachings of guys like Tomba. She stands, already starting to flip through the book as she leaves his office. She just felt dirty after a four-hour motivational seminar, but five minutes with Josh and she suddenly feels inspired again.


	19. Arctic Radar

“Hey, Josh.”

 

“I'm really sorry to bother you,” Josh says, stepping into Jack Reece’s office. He doesn’t want to do this, but it’s important to Donna, so he’s here doing something more than mildly humiliating. The nice thing about Donna asking him to talk to Jack, however, is that he’s got the chance to make sure this guy is actually worth her time. And by that, he means that he’s good enough for Josh to be willing to let her have a social life.

 

“No. I'm just working,” Jack replies.

 

“What are you working on?” He doesn’t want to just jump in. These things take a delicate touch. They need to be done just right. That’s mostly because he doesn’t want to have to do this a third time. With this, second time needs to be the charm.

 

“A memo for the C.O. at a radar station in the Arctic Circle.”

 

“You ever been there?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

 _That’s kind of hardcore_ , Josh thinks. “What's it like?”

 

“Well, small-town feel. Nicest people you'll ever meet and a terrific symphony, if you like classical music with a pops orchestra on Sunday nights.”

 

“Really?” He asks immediately. Then he remembers they’re talking about the Arctic Circle. “No. There's no symphony or… people.”

 

“Right. On the other hand, Sunday night does last six months,” the Lieutenant Commander jokes. He’s got a dry sense of humor, which Josh can appreciate. Donna would definitely like that.

 

“Listen,” Josh starts, resigning himself to the fact that there’s really no graceful way to get into this conversation. “It occurs to me that, uh...” He’s not good at this. Sam and Toby are good with words. Josh just kind of rambles and fumbles for what he’s trying to say. “You know, I mentioned Donna before and it occurs to me that I named some things that tickled me.” Because honestly, who wouldn’t find them amusing?

 

“I... I don't know,” he continues awkwardly. “I certainly wouldn't want to leave you with the impression that she was... you know...” Anything but amazing. She’s fantastic. She’s terrific at her job and she’s an incredible friend. Any guy would be lucky to have her. “Anyway, if you wanted to ask her out, she'd probably say yes.”

 

It’s not the subtle delivery Donna probably would have liked, but it gets the point across.

 

Suddenly Jack looks a little uncomfortable. “Hey, Josh, uh... I'm new and I want to do well and, uh, I don't want to get in between anything.”

 

"In between anything?” Josh parrots.

 

“I have an aide, who in my life, I haven't talked about as much as you've talked about Donna in our entire relationship, yours and mine, which is a cumulative total of seven minutes old.”

 

“No, no, no,” Josh immediately responds. Why do people keep asking him about his relationship with Donna? They’re all adults; can men and women not be friends without anything sexual or romantic happening between them? Joey mentioned it. Sam practically accused him of sabotaging Donna’s dates because he wants her. Amy flat out asked if they were dating, and now this guy?

 

Does he find her attractive? Of course. He has _seen_ her, after all. But that doesn’t mean he’s attracted to her or that he wants to date her. It’s Donna. She’s his friend and assistant.

 

“You sure?”

 

“Sure.” He shrugs. “Tell me your aide's name. I'll ask her out. We'll double,” he offers.

 

“Chief Petty Officer Harold Wendell,” Jack deadpans.

 

 _Or maybe not._ “I got the fuzzy end of that lollipop,” he mutters. So maybe they won’t double.

 

“I don't know. Wendell's not _cute_ cute but he's so funny.”

 

Josh smirks. This guy is definitely okay. “So, that's it. We're done talking about Donna,” he says, heading for the door. “Whose full name is Donnatella, by the way,” he adds as an afterthought. “Mom's Italian. Dad's Irish.” He’s really not sure why he’s still talking. He did what Donna asked him to do and now he can just…vamoose. “Okay…thanks,” he finishes, heading back to his own office.

 

When he sees Donna later, she tells him Jack asked her out, and she’s so happy about it, he can’t bear to ruin it for her. “Those are good stories about you, though,” he tells her from the entryway to her cubicle. “Those stories would make me like you.” Those stories _did_ make him like her. Of course he had the unique experience of being present for each and every one of those blunders (and of pulling her underwear out of an envelope), but if a guy can’t hear those stories and find them charming… well then, he doesn’t deserve her.


	20. Holy Night

“So far the policy councils are having a hard time taking action without identifying offsets,” Donna reports as her boss hangs up the phone.

 

This isn’t how her night was supposed to go. She is supposed to be at a snow-covered inn with her boyfriend enjoying Christmas, not in the bullpen working out budget issues with Josh. It’s her own damn fault, she knows. Charlie warned her to get out, but instead of bolting, she walked right into the lion’s den, set down her bags, and got to work.

 

She had been expecting it, honestly. Josh has the awful habit of keeping her from going on dates, and when he can’t do that, he cuts them short. But that hadn’t happened yet with Jack. Josh has been uncharacteristically supportive of this particular relationship, and that, of course, has had Donna waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 

“A tax on poor people 'cause they can't afford medical care,” he mutters in annoyance.

 

“I wouldn't try to sell it that way,” she offers.

 

“I'll get you there first thing in the morning.”

 

Donna looks up at him. What he said when she came in has been bugging her. Usually the things Josh says that bother her, she lets go because eventually she gets over it or figures out what he meant by it. But this one has been really nagging at her, and she can’t figure out what the hell he meant. “What did you mean when you said it's not what it looks like?”

 

“Jack's already down there?” She knows he’s avoiding the question, but again, she can’t figure out why. “I'll call him and apologize,” he promises.

 

“What did you mean?” She repeats.

 

“I meant that I wasn't keeping you here on purpose.”

 

Clearly he thinks he’s answered her question, but he hasn’t, and she’s not about to back down. “Why would I think you were doing that?”

 

“I wasn't.”

 

“Why would I think you were?” She prods further. A very short while ago, she would’ve had no problem staying late. She would have been happy, even, to spend her night working with Josh, but she promised herself that she would get past her feelings for him. She would move on and date and give herself a chance to be happy. Telling him how she feels isn’t an option without jeopardizing both of their jobs, and she’s not going to wait another four years. Besides, even if she did wait, there’s no guarantee it would work out anyway –– or that he would even be interested.

 

She’s giving her relationship with Jack a chance, but that part of her that’s still shamelessly in love with Josh hopes that maybe, when he said it isn’t what it looks like, that he thought it looked like he was sabotaging her holiday with Jack because he’s jealous. And she absolutely _hates_ that that part of her drowns out the part that screams about how great Jack is. Especially when Josh stands in front of her and tells her he didn’t really know what he meant by it.

 

“Listen, it doesn't have to be a disaster, you know,” he says. “CJ's staff is going to make little snowmen and stick them on the seats in the press briefing room and take a picture. We can do that and then I'll get you drunk at the Hawk and Dove.”

 

“That sounds nice,” she admits, hating that the thought of Josh getting her drunk at a bar gets her more excited than a romantic Christmas vacation with her boyfriend. Even more than that, she really hates it later when Leo tells her he got her a ride on a helicopter to get her to the inn and she feels an overpowering sense of disappointment.


	21. Inauguration: Over There

“It's good cop, bad cop. I'm the good cop; the four of you are the bad cop. Will, what are you?”

 

“The bad cop.”

 

“Danny what are you?”

 

“The bad cop.”

 

“Toby, what are you?”

 

“Hurry up,” Toby grumbles loudly.

 

“Charlie, who are you?”

 

“I love Zoey, and I must have her back.”

 

_Uh, sure_ , Josh thinks. “The bad cop, that's right. Here we go,” he says, running to Donna’s stoop and bounding up the stairs to buzz her apartment. Of course the buzzer isn’t working because that would just be too easy. He tries it despite the note on the system. He groans to himself before heading back down as Toby shouts at him. “The buzzer's not working.”

 

“Did you try it?”

 

“No, I divined it,” he snarks.

 

“Maybe she's just not answering,” Danny offers. It would be a valid suggestion if not for the fact that he knows the buzzer isn’t working, and he tells Danny as much.

 

“Call her.” This suggestion comes from Toby and is promptly shot down.

 

“No, I know women. I know what they're like,” he replies before bellowing, “Donna!”

 

“I think before tonight's over, we might have ourselves a whole new story,” Danny quips, causing a genuine laugh from the usually stoic Toby Ziegler. In a less urgent situation, Josh might have joked along, but he needs to get Donna down here. Bending down, he gathers some snow into a ball and throws it at Donna’s bedroom window, missing by several feet.

 

“Huh...” He stares, bewildered by his terrible aim for a moment before making another snowball and throwing it, missing again. Then more snowballs start to fly and he realizes the bad cops have joined in. Josh is the first to hit the window. Several more hit before Donna appears in the window, a snowball hitting the glass right in front of her face and causing her to jump in surprise.

 

“What the hell are you doing?” She shouts, opening the window as a snowball hits the frame, half of it flying into her apartment.

 

“Get down here now!” Josh yells.

 

“Keep your voice down,” Donna tells him just loud enough so he can hear. Of course he doesn’t listen, though, yelling at her again to come down. “I'm coming,” Donna finally concedes, closing the window and disappearing from view just as some of her neighbors start to shout at the noisy men on the street.

 

“Oh, no, I'm sorry,” Josh calls up to them, turning away from Donna’s apartment for a moment. “Didn't mean to wake you guys. Uh, this is a special situation. It's okay, I'm the good cop.”

 

The disgruntled neighbors don’t seem to care much, and behind him, Josh hears Toby say into his phone, “Hi, National Enquirer?”

 

As he opens his mouth to scold Toby, Josh sees Donna coming out of her building. “You come down here without a coat?” He asks, already shrugging his coat off.

 

“I need you to keep your voice down,” she repeats as he starts draping his coat over her bare shoulders. “Go ahead; you're entitled. Give it to me all again.”

 

“You don't know the White House rejected ten billion for the D.O.D. You have absolutely _no way_ of knowing that,” he explains. “Jack said it. The researcher called Jack, and Jack said it.”

 

“He was working a lot of nights, and it really wore him out,” Donna reasons.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“And then this thing happened, and he didn't think he was on the record.” He tries to interrupt, but she combats his rebuttal before he can make it. “He didn't, Josh. That was legitimate.”

 

“He's letting you take credit for this?” Josh asks. He can’t believe he actually told this guy to ask her out. Jack Reece was going to let Donna take the fall for some ignorant crap he said to a reporter.

 

“Listen, this guy’s got an important career ahead of him –– “

 

“Your career isn't important?” He cries. Donna is one of the smartest, most capable people in D.C. She could probably do his job better than he can. As much as he’d love her to be his assistant forever, he knows that she’s going to move on and do incredible things in the future, and she put all that at risk for some gomer. “What was the point of anyone claiming ––?” He stops in his tracks, realization dawning on him. “You knew it was easy to figure out it was him.”

 

“Not as easy as you made it,” Donna admits sheepishly. “I didn't think about –– ”

 

“The list of things you didn't think about, including your job, what the President thinks of you –– ”

 

“Does he know about this?” She looks so scared at the thought of the President’s opinion of her being diminished. He knows how much she loves President Bartlet, and he’s astonished that it didn’t cross her mind when she decided to take the fall for her boyfriend.

 

“He's about to!”

 

And then he looks at her. He sees past the anger he’s feeling over Jack Reece and Donna’s bad judgment and actually looks at her in her ball gown and his overcoat, her hair all in curls. She actually takes his breath away. “You look amazing…” He murmurs.

 

Slowly, then, a smile grows on her face, and she’s so radiant that he has an unexpected, overwhelming desire to take her in his arms and kiss her. And if that urge didn’t startle him so much, he might have, but instead he just stares at her as she looks over his shoulder and says hello to the guys behind him.

 

Suddenly he really regrets bringing them along.

 

“It was stupid, but it was mensch-y,” Danny calls from behind him, causing Josh to finally take his eyes off of Donna to remind him of his role here. “Sorry, it was just stupid,” the reporter amends.

 

“Hey, Will, you and Toby wrote maybe the greatest speech I've ever heard.”

 

He hears Will thank her and decides to take Donna’s attention back. “We're going to a ball,” he tells her with a smile.

 

“Balls are fun.” Donna grins back at him, and he’s pretty sure that he would do just about anything to make her smile.

 

“We're actually going to eight of them,” he adds.

 

“Eight times the fun.”

 

He leans in closer to her and quietly tells her, “I was actually the one who hit the window, the rest of them went to school on my throw.“ He’s not sure why he feels the need to up the machismo, but he does, and it makes her laugh quietly, which makes it all worth it.

 

“Let's go!” Toby bellows.

 

With a smile, Josh offers Donna his arm, which she takes, allowing him to guide her to the cab through the snow. Just as they’re about to get in, she turns back to him.

 

“Josh...” He takes another step and they’re now standing very close together. His eyes flick to her lips, and the need is back. He really, _really_ wants to kiss her. “I'm sorry,” she continues, pulling him from his reverie, his eyes finding hers again. “Seriously, I've never lied to you before, boss, and it won't happen again.”

 

He smirks at her. “You're going to have to sit on somebody's lap,” he tells her. And when they’re in the crowded taxi, arms are wrapped around her waist, he swears it’s the most content he’s ever been.


	22. Evidence of Things Not Seen

Her first thought when they told her about the shooting was that she had to get to Josh. As she sat in the mess, Donna just kept hoping that he was okay –– that he wasn’t reliving Rosslyn all over again.

 

When the Secret Service gives the all clear, she is the first one out of the mess, moving as quickly as her heels will allow her until she reaches the Roosevelt Room, taking a moment to catch her breath, leaning against the wall out of sight. She catches her breath, but her heart still races nervously. Ever since that Christmas two years ago, she’s feared this very moment. If music could set him off, she can’t imagine how badly gunfire will affect his anxiety.

 

Leaning in, she taps the glass lightly to get his attention. When he looks at her, his face is neutral. There’s no sign of panic, but that does little to calm her nerves as he steps into the hallway, closing the door.

 

“So what's been going on?”

 

“You were in the mess?” He asks almost immediately.

 

“They kept me down there until just now. CJ's alright?”

 

“Yeah,” he assures her.

 

“Where were you?”

 

“I was in here.”

 

She should find relief in that fact, but she still worries. He allowed his stress to fester before; it’s entirely plausible he’s hiding it from her now. “Do you want anything?” She asks quickly. Then, ignoring his ‘no’, she brushes past him. “You know, I'm going to get you some water or something.”

 

“I'm alright,” he insists. She wants to ignore him, but his tone of voice, for reasons unknown to her, settles her nerves a bit. As if he was more concerned for her well being than his own at the moment.

 

“Alright,” she concedes, turning to face him fully. She looks him up and down, trying to ignore that sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach as she remembers the moment she’d figured out what was going on with him. It’s not that she’d _known_. But she’d noticed his behavior had become even more erratic than usual, and she’d done some research. And that moment that she’d seen the words _Post Traumatic Stress Disorder_ on her computer screen, she’d had to take a moment to right herself. “So, what do you think of this guy?”

 

“I don't know. I haven't been talking to him that long.”

 

“Okay. I'm going to... I'll be around here,” she promises, her words falling on distracted ears as Josh continues trying to work out what exactly is wrong with Joe Quincy. It seems Josh is impressed… “But?” She asks.

 

“It's the strangest feeling. It's like a... really good baseball player is standing in the other team’s locker room for the first time.”

 

“You're the baseball player?”

 

“He's the baseball player.”

 

“In the other guys locker room?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I don't understand. Are you writing poetry about this now?” She asks. If she weren’t still so preoccupied with Josh’s mental health, she probably would figure out what it takes Josh another hour to deduce, but as it is, her brain is a little sidetracked.

 

“You asked me what I thought of him so far.”

 

She smiles at him. “I know… Can I say something?” She asks. Taking his silence as permission to go on, she asks, “Can I call Stanley Keyworth and tell him maybe you're going to be calling him later?”

 

“I'm fine. I was in here. I didn't even see it,” he replies. It does nothing to assuage her fears, though. She still worries about him. It’s as though since Rosslyn, worry has become ingrained in her. Taking care of him is part of her job. At least that’s how she justifies it.

 

“Alright. I'm not going anywhere,” she promises him. She has the desire to reach for him. To take his hand or squeeze his arm. Something that proves to her that he’s here. But she keeps her arms folded and watches him go back into the Roosevelt Room, her heart still racing. _He's okay_ , she keeps telling herself, a mantra playing in her head over and over again.


	23. Commencement

“I'm not going to get an answer about what I said to Josh, am I?" Amy asks, putting her nearly empty bottle on the table next to Donna. "It's just eating at me.”

 

Donna takes a swig of her beer while still looking at the papers spread out in front of her. “I don't know why,” she responds dryly.

 

“'Cause it's eating at him, and I don't know why,” Amy tells her.

 

It surprises Donna, and she conceals it horribly. “Really?” She asks. Donna has always liked Amy. Granted, she likes her a lot better now that she’s not Josh’s girlfriend, but even when they were together, she couldn’t find any reasons not to like the brunette. And Josh was happy when they were together, so she was happy for him.

 

“I understand why Josh may have been offended by what I said even though it was misinterpreted,” Amy replies. “What I don't understand is that both times we've spoken about it, it seemed like you were, too.”

 

Donna looks up at Amy and immediately shakes her head even though the other woman is right. “No,” she lies. “I understood what you were saying. Josh worked for Hoynes for a long time. There was a reason –– “

 

“He left him,” Amy interrupts.

 

“And if you think that was easy, you're crazy,” Donna immediately argues. “Josh doesn't leave people.” Donna has screwed up in the worst ways possible and he’s never abandoned her. He saved her from a perjury charge and wouldn’t let her take the fall for Jack’s quote in the _Post_. He never leaves the people he cares about behind. Donna considers herself lucky to be one of those people

 

But Amy doesn’t seem to understand anything Donna is saying. “I get that he was close to Hoynes. What I don't get –– “

 

“You have to get _Josh_.” If she weren’t so upset with Amy’s questions, she might regret the comment, but she has known him for five years. Amy may have met him before that; she may have been intimate with him in ways Donna knows she will never be able to experience with Josh. But Donna has spent the majority of her waking moments at his side for half a decade, and her need to protect him is _fierce_. Not only is he her boss; he’s her best friend, and anyone who claims he is anything but loyal will have her to deal with.

 

“His sister died in a fire while she was babysitting him. She tried to put it out; he ran outside. He went off campaigning –– his father died. He wakes up in a hospital and discovers the President's been shot.” Josh would probably kill her for sharing these details with his ex-girlfriend, but she doesn’t care. “He goes through every day worried that somebody he likes is going to die, and it's going to be his fault. What do you think makes him walk so fast?”

 

She stands and walks away from Amy, flipping through her book. She’s not even really paying attention to the words on the page. She just needs to get away from Amy’s gaze. Even though Donna was focused on her own words –– on defending Josh –– she noticed the way Amy’s expression changed from surprise to concern before something else abruptly crossed her features. Suddenly the brunette appeared skeptical. Like maybe there was more than what Donna was actually saying.

 

“Anyway,” the blonde continues, “when you looked at the list of replacements and said, ‘That's a windfall,’ what he heard was ‘Thank you, Josh. You did it again. More for us’.” Donna had known that from the moment Amy brought it up. That’s why she didn’t bother trying to talk to Josh about it. She knew he would simply claim that it didn’t bug him because he likes to pretend he’s unflappable.

 

She hears Amy’s voice from her desk. “You said, ‘you have to get Josh’.”

 

“Yeah. That was...” Donna keeps flipping through the pages, unexpectedly feeling guilty. “I didn't mean to say that you don't... get him,” she replies apologetically. But that’s exactly what she meant. Amy doesn’t understand Josh. Not the way she needs to.

 

Not the way Donna does.

 

“Are you in love with Josh?”

 

She freezes. She’s been teased about this before. People joke that she’s practically Josh’s work wife. She heard rumblings after Rosslyn when she was practically living with him. But everyone has always been careful not to say anything so direct. Almost like they don’t _want_ to know. It’s like CJ says: _plausible deniability_. If there has ever been something going on between Donna and Josh, no one wants to be culpable in the event of a scandal. So they never ask her. They just gossip about it when they think she isn’t around.

 

Amy doesn’t seem to care though. She comes right out and says it. She asks the blunt question Donna has feared for over a year. Before the incident with Cliff, she could have easily denied it. She would have just said, “Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.” But after going back through her diary and reading all of those things she wrote about him, she can’t deny it to herself anymore. Of course she’s in love with him.

 

On top of all of this emotional turmoil, it doesn’t help that the person asking her this question is Josh's ex-girlfriend who  _obviously_ still has feelings for him. After all, Amy isn’t the kind of woman to agonize over someone’s reaction to what she says. Closing the little red book, Donna takes a breath as she turns around.

 

She doesn’t have a chance to deny anything because the caption on the television screen catches her eye: **President’s Daughter Missing**.


	24. 7A WF 83429

Donna stares blankly at her computer screen. She can’t focus on anything other than this horrible sinking feeling in her gut. Zoey Bartlet is missing. No, not missing; she’s been kidnapped. There’s a Secret Service agent dead, and Donna found a ransom note for Zoey on Josh’s fax machine.

She can’t stay here anymore. She needs to go home. So does Josh, for that matter, she thinks as she looks in the direction of his office. Josh had become something of a big brother to Zoey on the campaign trail whether he wanted to or not. She knows this has to be bugging him more than he’s letting on. He’s been concealing it with his worry over President Bartlet stepping aside and allowing a Republican to act as POTUS, but Donna knows he’s even more terrified of what could happen to Zoey than he is of Glenallen Walken’s temporary presidency. 

“I though Leo told you to go home,” she says from the doorway. He mumbles in response, which Donna knows is his attempt to brush her off, but she’s not backing down tonight. “Come on, get your coat,” she insists.

Josh looks at her briefly, and even though it’s masked by exhaustion, she can see worry written in his face. “There's some things I want to finish up. You go ahead though,” he tells her, returning to whatever it is he was working on when she came in.

Usually she’d be glad he was letting her go home. She always bugs him about working her all hours of the day and night anyway. But tonight is different. Tonight she needs her best friend. She doesn’t want to be alone for the walk back to her apartment. “Harold says people have been leaving stuff by the fence for Zoey all day long. Thought I might walk by on my way home… check it out,“ she explains, garnering no response from her boss.

She looks at him, hoping maybe he’ll break out of whatever trance he’s in at the moment, and when he doesn’t, she says his name more urgently, leaving no room for protest. “Come on,” she tells him, finally causing him to look up at her again. Donna watches him take a breath like he’s going to object, but then he just sighs and concedes. 

Their walk is quiet. She rarely leaves the office with Josh, but when she does, their trek is filled with their usual banter or with him ranting about policy. Tonight, though, they simply keep one another company on the long walk from the building to the fence.

Her mind wanders to Charlie, and she remembers what he said the night of the second inauguration. About how he would win Zoey’s heart from Jean-Paul. And now he might never have that chance. She might never know just how much Charlie loves her. Turning her head, she looks at Josh. It’s not the right time or place, she knows. They’re in the midst of a national crisis – the kidnapping of a woman they both care about tremendously. But he’s here and he’s alive, and she can’t help but think that she has the opportunity every day to tell him how she feels, but she won’t. She hides it from him because she knows the trouble it would cause.

Looking back ahead, they approach, and she’s completely taken aback by the enormity of this vigil. “Oh my God,” she breathes, stepping ahead of him just a bit. There are probably a thousand candles along with pictures of Zoey, teddy bears, American Flags… It steals the very breath from her lungs.

With Josh, they move closer to the fence, taking in this spectacle of love and hope for Zoey. It gives her chills. She can hear murmuring around them. Some are simply talking, but her ears pick up the words of a few prayers and the melody of a song she can’t immediately identify.

Then she feels Josh’s hand take hers, squeezing gently, and she realizes the song is “Ave Maria”. She gently reciprocates the squeeze as they both look at the offerings, his shoulders relaxing slightly as she rests her chin on his shoulder.

She’s tuned to him. They’ve been working together for so long that she can sense what he’s feeling. He’s already lost one sister; he’s terrified of losing Zoey, too. “They’ll find her, Josh,” she murmurs. “She’s going to be okay.”


	25. Abu el Banat

“You gonna come watch? There's people singing in the lobby.“

 

“Spontaneously?”

 

Against her will, she smiles at the joke. “The choir from the Tree Lighting,” Donna replies, moving to his entirely cluttered desk and trying to make some sense of it.

 

Josh sets a catalogue in front of her and points at a picture. She had made suggestions of Christmas and Hanukah gifts for him, but she had thought it would end up on the backburner and he’d tell her to just go ahead and buy whatever she thinks is best, but it seems he’s actually going through the suggestions. Must be a slow day. “Who's that for?” She stays silent as he points at the gift she’d chosen for herself, hoping maybe he’ll drop the question. Or that there will be a national emergency. “You picked your own gift?” He deduces quickly.

 

“I'm in charge of shopping,” she defends, continuing to attempt to make sense of the clutter. How is it that she can organize everything at the start of the day and it always ends up and undecipherable pile?

 

“I got your gift.”

 

It doesn’t even faze her. He’s the ultimate procrastinator when it comes to holiday shopping. He probably wouldn’t have even remembered to send her flowers in April if it weren’t for the fact that _he_ got sick enjoyment from watching her stomp around angrily. “No, you didn't. Three weeks in advance?”

 

“I saw it Thanksgiving. I got it,” he tells her, causing her to look at him.

 

“No you didn't,” she quickly denies. There’s no way he thought to get her a Christmas present a month in advance. But he’s looking at her with that self-satisfied expression she’s grown to love, and she finally realizes he’s telling the truth. “What is it?” She asks.

 

“I'm not telling you.”

 

“I want to know.”

 

“Really?” He asks, causing her to nod. “It's a gift certificate. Tower Records. 'Cause you're a fan of the music. You get to go on a spree,” he tells her.

 

She tries to hide her disappointment, and she thinks she does well. “That'll be fun,” she tells him as he stands, starting to explain to her what he needs done. ”What should I tell them it's for?” She asks.

 

“Bribing a dictator to get illegal missionaries out of Sudan.”

 

“Something I can put in a memo,” she clarifies. She’s pretty sure the White House would not be pleased with her writing that. He gives her something she can write down, and she asks if she can go watch the carolers. At his okay, she turns and heads out.

 

“Donna,” he calls as she reaches the door. She turns around and looks at him again. “It's not a gift certificate.”

 

She can’t help the wide smile that meets her face. “What is it?” She asks playfully.

 

“I'm not telling you.”

 

“I want to know.” She’s never been good at waiting. She was one of the kids who would try to figure out what was in the boxes under the tree at Christmas. She would search all over the house for toys her parents hadn’t wrapped for her yet. Anticipation kills her.

 

“Socks,” he deadpans.

 

“Stop it.”

 

“I'm not telling you. Live with the pain.” He’s taunting her, and she can’t help that she enjoys it. This playful back-and-forth between them. Their relationship is the only anticipation that she finds exciting rather than bothersome, and it keeps her grinning as she makes her way to watch the carolers.


	26. No Exit

“The Israeli embassy is going to give you four people, so for that leg of the trip you can sit in on a couple of meetings.”

 

“Really?” Donna asks, eyebrows raised as she looks at her friend. She’s been confused about this trip all day, and now she’s got this glimmer of hope that maybe he didn’t just give her this opportunity to shut her up. Maybe he really does recognize how valuable she can be. ”Great. That's great,” she replies as CJ hands her back the book.

 

“Josh Lyman needs a smack in the head.”

 

“Why?”

 

“He sold you a bill of goods.”

 

“Not at all. He's gone out of his way to give me every opportunity he can,” she defends. She doesn’t know why, but she feels the need to stand up for him even though CJ is simply voicing the concern that has been nagging at her.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Hasn't he?”

 

“Absolutely.”

 

“CJ?” She asks softly. Donna doesn’t want her opinion, but she knows she needs it.

 

“If he was giving you every opportunity, you would have grown out of this job three years ago.” Donna’s heart drops into her stomach. She’s told Josh before that she wants her job to make a difference. She tried to make him understand that she wants to move beyond an assistant position. And somehow, even though she hasn’t ever mentioned it to CJ, she seems to understand exactly what Donna herself has been trying to pretend isn’t true: Josh is holding her back. “You can't blame him. He's never gonna find anybody else as capable,” the Press Secretary concedes.

 

Shaking her head, Donna looks away from her friend. “It's not a false alarm. It wouldn't take this long,” she deflects.

 

“I wish I had filled this damn canteen.”

 

Even though she had tried to change the subject, she can’t help jumping back to it. “You know, you can't blame Josh. It's not his job to – “

 

“ I don't blame Josh, it takes two of you. You choose to stay,” CJ responds.

 

“It's the White House.”

 

“It's not the White House, it's him.”

 

Donna wants to throw up. “Okay. I don't really want to – “

 

“Why didn't you get a drink with the guy from the _Post Intelligencer_?” CJ interrupts. “You knew what was on your desk. You knew what was on Josh's desk. It couldn't wait until Monday?” She asks.

 

At this point, Donna can’t even think straight. For years she’d thought she had done a fantastic job hiding her feelings for Josh. He certainly couldn’t see them, but CJ has just made it perfectly clear that Donna is transparent. “Why did you cancel your camping trip? We're going to be out of here in a few minutes; you're going home to a rerun of Letterman.” She immediately hates herself for bringing that up. She knows CJ didn’t mean to attack her – she’s looking out for her. So Donna apologizes, giving a stock response that doesn’t placate her friend, and somehow they get back to the original conversation.

 

“What should I be doing…instead of this?” The blonde asks carefully. She doesn’t know how to do anything _but_ this. She’s a college dropout. Josh gave her an opportunity that no one else would have. Everyone on the Hill knows her as his assistant. Anyone who would want to hire her would only ever think of her for an assistant’s position.

 

“Anything,” CJ insists. “You should... go to lectures and symposia and look for opportunities with non-profits and have one-night stands with reporters from the _Post Intelligencer_ and go on dates with what's-his-name from the Solicitor General's office, and anything that doesn't have to do with Josh Lyman.”

 

Donna’s jaw drops. CJ could have just told her to find another job. But instead she’s talking about dating. And the blonde thinks for the first time that maybe she’s not just transparent; she’s downright pathetic. And that realization has her cheeks reddening and her eyes burning. “Wow. Okay. Let's not do this,” she manages to spit out, moving to sit on CJ’s couch.

 

They sit in silence for the remainder of the crash, and Donna barely manages a mumbled “bye” as she heads for her cubicle to get her things. He bellows her name from his office, and her body goes to move but then freezes. And in that moment she knows that as angry as she is with CJ, she was right. She needs to do something with her life. Something that doesn’t have to do with Josh Lyman.

 

She ignores the second call of her name as she exits the West Wing, not bothering to look back.


	27. Gaza

_Some fatalities_.

 

Everyone is bustling around the bullpen as he looks at CJ with absolute panic in his heart, and the first thing out of his mouth is “Donna?”

 

CJ doesn’t have any information, and when he sees Toby, Josh sees his own feelings mirrored in his colleague’s face. Everything he’s ever tried to deny about his relationship with Donna comes crashing in on him at that moment as he sees the fear etched on Toby’s usually grumpy expression. Somehow Josh can relate to a man terrified of what may have happened to the mother of his children.

 

In the commotion of the bullpen and the focus he has on the incompetents on the phone, he’s shocked he even processes when Toby gets in touch with Andy. Donna hadn’t been able to afford an international plan on her phone, and right now Josh is kicking himself for not offering to foot the bill. He could be calling her cell right now instead of a bunch of know-nothings whose lines are blowing up with phone calls.

 

Hanging up, he watches Toby. ”She's... she's alright. She was in the other car and she's alright,” Toby tells them all, relief flooding his voice.

 

“Oh, my God! I see her!” Shouts CJ.

 

They all look up at the monitor as CJ points out the congresswoman on the screen, but Josh’s attention is elsewhere. He’s trying to catch a glimpse of Donna. But she’s not there. He can’t see her, so he turns back to Toby. “How's Donna?”

 

“Two Congressmen confirmed dead. Korb and DeSantos.”

 

“What about Donna?” He repeats more urgently, grateful when Toby parrots his question to Andy.

 

“She was in the car that... Andy saw people put in ambulances. That's all she knows,” Toby relays, and any part of Josh that had still hoped Donna would come out of today without a scratch is officially shut down. She was _in the car_.

 

It’s hours before he receives any news. He’s said the name Donnatella Moss about sixty times in the last half hour, and finally it pays off. Finally he gets some news about what has happened to her, and while she’s hurt, at least he knows she’s alive. She’s stable and being transported to an American hospital in Germany.

 

He calls her parents shortly after, and he can practically feel Mrs. Moss’ relief coming through the phone lines despite the little information he is able to give. She’s just glad to know her daughter is alive.

 

He can’t focus on anything for the rest of the day despite his insistence to the contrary. He keeps telling himself he can’t do it. He can’t fly across the Atlantic Ocean to be with her. It would look like what everyone has been murmuring for the last seven years, and after Healthgate and Hoynes’ resignation, the administration can’t survive another scandal.

 

But the moment Leo suggests it, he’s gone.

 

He barely even puts up a fight, giving a half-assed “I’m fine” before giving in with a simple “Thanks” and rushing toward his office.

 

_Interminable emails._

 

That’s what he’d called them when Toby asked about her – if he had heard from her since she arrived in Gaza. He didn’t even bother to read them when he’d gotten them. He’d just open them, give them a quick glance, and move on to things he deemed more important.

 

Now he can’t believe he ever thought anything was more important.

 

As he reads through them, her voice echoing in his head, he can’t help wondering if this is how she felt nearly four years ago when he was shot.


	28. Memorial Day

She’s awake.

 

Her voice is quiet and scratchy – she asks for water – but she’s conscious. He waits until the nurse moves to get her a drink before he stands and leans over her. She’s really awake; it’s not a dream. “Hey,” he murmurs, a little smile quirking his lips as he looks at Donna.

 

“What happened to you?”

 

Josh’s little grin becomes a laugh at the question. Of course she would come out of a car bombing and surgery to inflate her lung and set her leg and her first thought would be about his wellbeing. “To me?” He asks incredulously, a little breathless.

 

“You need to shave,” she tells him.

 

“I haven't really had time,” he remarks slowly. He hasn’t left her room since he arrived. He didn’t want her to wake up alone in a strange place with no one she knew.

 

“Uh, where am I?”

 

“You're in Germany.”

 

“It doesn't look like Germany.”

 

“You're actually in a military – “

 

The nurse returns with a cup of water, and Josh stops speaking as she offers it to Donna. ”She's not German,” the blonde points out.

 

“This is true.” Donna winces in pain as she drinks from the cup Josh is helping her with.

 

“Just squeeze that clicker if it hurts; it's a morphine drip. It's going to take some time to orient yourself,” the nurse explains.

 

“He needs to shave,” Donna repeats, gaining another little grin from him. She may have been in a life-threatening accident, but she’s still his Donna. Still nagging him to take care of himself as she always does. Still making him smile when he doesn’t want to. He can’t imagine a world without her. He can’t believe he was able to get by before she came into his life. He wants to tell her all of this, but it’s not the time and _definitely_ not the place. Not when she’s laid up in a hospital bed and there’s a nurse drawing blood –

 

Okay, maybe he does need to leave while she does that.

 

“What are you watching?”

 

He turns his head and sees her looking toward him. “Nothing.“ He turns off the television and makes his way to her bedside. “How do you feel? They left a lunch tray earlier,” he tells her. He’s not as good at this as she is, but he can learn. He’ll prove that he can take care of her like she takes care of him.

 

Because that’s part of loving someone, right?

 

“I'm not hungry.”

 

“German chocolate cake,” he tells her, trying to tempt her into eating something.

 

“Really, I'm kind of nauseous.”

 

“Okay… Your mom's on the way to New York. She's going to catch the red-eye tonight.”

 

“How long are you staying?” Donna asks, and it doesn’t escape him that she doesn’t ask when her mom will be arriving. She moves straight to asking about him again.

 

“I don't know, I figured if I hang around long enough one of the nurses is bound to give me a sponge bath,” he jokes, hands stuffed in his pockets.

 

“Leo doesn't need you to...”

 

“I'm here as long as I need to be here,” he assures Donna. He’s not leaving her when she needs him. She didn’t leave him after Rosslyn; he won’t leave her now. “Jello?” He offers teasingly as his phone rings.

 

“I don't want to talk to anybody,” she groans.

 

“Okay,” he promises, checking the caller ID. “Hey, CJ,” he greets, giving Donna the opportunity to change her mind. He knows she’s close with CJ, so maybe she’s the exception to her not-wanting-to-talk rule.

 

“How is she?”

 

Donna says nothing, so Josh just smiles at her as he replies, “She's fine. I mean, she was singing tunes from My Fair Lady earlier, but it may just be the morphine.” Donna smiles just a little bit, and it makes him happy to catch a glimpse of it.

 

“Can I talk to her?”

 

“We're actually at intermission right now,” he says, turning to leave the room. She doesn’t need to be hearing about work while she’s recovering.

 

Well now he understands her stupid rules.

 

“But she really is all right?”

 

“I'm telling you, she's doing this whole Julie Andrews thing,” he assures her, stepping into the hallway. She asks him if he’s seen the news, but he’s distracted by someone asking if this is Donna’s room in a distinctly Irish accent.

 

_Who’s **this** gomer?_

 

He starts rattling off advice to CJ, but his attention is focused on what’s going on in Donna’s hospital room. The guy lays flowers at her feet and moves up toward her. And then he kisses her, and suddenly Josh can’t breathe, much less continue this conversation with CJ. He distantly hears her saying his name over the line, but he can’t bring himself to respond.

 


	29. NSF Thurmont

It’s a cruel, perverse twist of fate that he’d come back with flowers for her only to find out that her life is in danger again. And because of the same thing that had killed his dad nearly seven years ago.

 

When the doctor comes out and says Donna asked for “him”, Josh turns with a sigh. She wants to see Colin. All Josh wants right now is to see her. To look at her one time before they put her under just in case… He swallows thickly and shakes the thought from his mind just as his prayers are answered.

 

She wasn’t asking for Colin.

 

A short while later, he’s wearing a scrub cap and a mask and being escorted into the operating room. She looks so pale. She’s always had what she’s said is _alabaster skin_ , but under the fluorescent lights and current circumstances… She scribbles something on her notepad and turns it toward him.

 

NICE HAT

 

He smiles “Yeah. Stylish, huh?” He quips, glad to see that even with an oxygen mask and tubes hooked up to her body, she has something of her sense of humor. He sees that teasing glint in her eye, and it calms his racing heart enough to ask, “They tell you what they’re gonna do?” She nods her head, and he smiles again, hoping she can tell even through his mask. “It’s gonna be a snap,” he quietly promises.

 

Her eyes have been focused on him the whole time, but she looks away now, writing something else on her notepad. When she turns it so he can see what she’s written, he steels himself.

 

SCARED

 

He breathes calmly. “Yeah, don’t be.” Lifting his hand, he rests it upon hers where they rest on her ribs, and he feels her grasp for him, her fingers closing around his, and he can see her fear. “You’re going to be fine, okay,” he promises as one of the doctors goes to lead him away. It breaks his heart to leave her as she tries to hold onto his hand, the first signs of tears at the corners of her eyes, but he needs to get out so they can operate. So that she can be okay.

 

* * *

 

 

He and Blarney Boy sit in the hallway just around the corner from the OR. They haven’t spoken much since Donna went into surgery. Josh’s eyes remain on the television in the corner, but his mind stays focused on his friend.

 

“So you fly halfway around the world at a moment's notice to rush to a woman's beside when the White House is facing off a biblical apocalypse?”

 

“We work together,” Josh deflects, sparing Colin a fleeting glance before returning his gaze to the television. He really doesn’t want to talk to this guy. He screwed up Josh’s plan. With Colin here ––

 

“Past dalliance gone bad or tragically unconsummated love kept at arm's length by puritanical American workplace ethics?”

 

That comment earns more than a fleeting glance from Josh. “What are you talking about?” He asks

 

“There was this girl when I was sixteen.” His mind jumps to that night in the bullpen when Donna mentioned Freddie Briggs. Sixteen… “No, seventeen,” Colin corrects.

 

“So, you're a bagman for the IRA?”

 

Ignoring the jab, Colin continues. “She was mad about me – worshipped me, really, and I liked her…” He keeps going on, but Josh stops paying attention early on, looking at his watch.

 

_Your watch sucks,_ he hears in his mind. “This is taking too long. Isn't this taking too long?” He asks, suddenly antsy as he hears Donna’s voice in his head.

 

“She wrote to me every single day, and she called weekends and she was always there. And I took her for granted, you know?”

 

Josh looks at him for a long moment and finally understands what he’s saying. Donna has been by his side for nearly seven years, and he’s taken that for granted – taken _her_ for granted. He just always expected her to be there. She’s the one person in his life he can’t imagine ever leaving him. Sure, he’s been threatened every time she starts to get serious with a guy, but he never truly entertained the idea that he could lose her until now.

 

“Mr. Lyman?”

 

His attention immediately snaps to the doctor, and he all but jumps out of his seat, approaching the other man. “How’s she doing?” Josh asks, immediately peeved when he feels Colin standing next to him.

 

“We encountered a few difficulties during the procedure. She lost a substantial amount of blood. We had to transfuse and call in a vascular surgeon to repair the tear,” the doctor explains.

 

Josh had a tear in his artery after Rosslyn, and unconsciously he scratches at his scar, his mouth going dry as he thinks about Donna. “Is she going to be alright?” He hears Colin ask.

 

“She's still unconscious. As soon as she's stable we'll send her off for an MRI. Between the anemia and the low blood pressure she may have suffered hypoxic brain injury. Decreased oxygen delivery can result in brain damage.”

 

_Brain damage?_ Then more than ever in his life, he feels the urge to cry. To scream, to throw something as hard as he can. He wants to punch out every window in this hospital. But he doesn’t. He hears Donna’s voice in his head again, telling him to call Stanley, but he knows what he would say. Instead, he moves to the wall, standing against it and closing his eyes as he breathes deeply and listens to the Doctor talk about the possible repercussions of Donna’s lack of oxygen.

 

It’s her brain. Her mind. The thing that makes Donna _Donna_. What if she loses that? What if she wakes up and she’s not herself anymore? She’s got one of the quickest minds of anyone he knows. What if she loses that?

 

He realizes that it wouldn’t change the way he feels about her. Even if she wakes up and can’t speak or there’s a decrease in motor skills, he’s going to be there for her. He’s tired of denying his feelings, and when she wakes up, he’s going to show her. He’s going to stop acting like their relationship is just friendly. He’s going to stop hiding.

 

Hours later and he hasn’t moved from her bedside except to greet her mom with a hug. She thanks him for coming to be with Donna and sits in the chair by her bedside. Josh doesn’t leave even then. He turns away to watch the news without actually focusing on it, and when Colin escorts Mrs. Moss to the cafeteria, he takes the seat again.

 

“Josh?”

 

He thinks he’s dozed off for a moment. There’s no way she just spoke. And there’s _absolutely_ no way the first word on her lips is his name –

 

“Josh? Josh?” She repeats, and he knows he didn’t imagine it this time. Looking at her in a combination of surprise and awe, he stands and leans over her, unable to find words as he processes that she’s awake.

 

“Hey…” He finally breathes, unable to pull his gaze from her face even if he wanted to. There are dark circles under her eyes and she’s still paler than usual, but he’s never seen a more beautiful sight than Donna Moss waking up. “You're awake,” he adds quietly before starting to babble, explaining that her mom is here. ”Colin took her downstairs for some... I don't know, for some schnitzel, or something,” he jests, a little grin finding his lips despite the mention of Colin.

 

“You're still here,” the corners of her lips curving upward just slightly as his arm slips across her waist.

 

“Yeah,” he says, swallowing thickly as he looks at her, resisting the urge to fall apart from the relief that she’s okay. “I'm still here,” he assures her, tucking the blanket up to her chin before slipping up to sit on the bed by her hip. His hand stays on the bed on the other side of her body as he just looks at her.

 

_She’s okay_ , he reminds himself. _She’s okay_.


	30. Impact Winter

“Who's Dan?” He asks, reading the list of people Margaret and Carol want to bring into the bunker.

 

“The UPS guy. Wears the shorts,” the brunette woman replies.

 

“You're going for beefcake? That's how you wanna regenerate the population?”

 

“Sure, he'll kill you an elk for dinner,” Will responds dryly.

 

“Assuming we have elk,” comments Josh. “You gonna put an elk in?”

 

The men suggest they add a couple of thinkers to the list before leaving the room and heading out into the hall.

 

“I need you.”

 

Josh stops and turns to her with a smirk. “See? Put me on the list!” He calls back to Margaret.

 

“We're having our conversation now,” she tells him seriously.

 

“Don’t you think it would be irresponsible for me to leave this administration before the end of the second term?” Josh asks, reflecting on his conversation with Leo from earlier in the day.

 

“It’s a conversation about me, not you.”

 

“I gotta get to the OEOB.” It’s been a hellish day – hellish _week_ , actually. He wants to prove that he’s not taking her for granted, and he feels like he’s done a pretty decent job since she got back from Germany. He wishes things weren’t so crazy.

 

“You have to sit down and talk to me, that’s what you have to do,” she tells him, her voice a little more urgent this time.

 

“You’re very demanding today. You and Leo, who thinks I should be wandering the American byways in search of the next President,” he comments as they walk through the bullpen.

 

“I quit.”

 

He keeps moving and suddenly realizes she’s not at his side anymore. Then her words reach his brain. “What?” He asks, turning to find her standing a few feet away. “Come on, no you don't. Walk with me,” he retorts, hoping that his worst nightmare hasn’t just come true.

 

“Look at my face. I'm not messing with you,” she replies, and he can’t believe the lack of emotion in her voice. She’s being so calm about it.

 

“Donna!”

 

“There's gonna be a temp here tomorrow.” A freaking _temp_? How is he supposed to go from Donna Moss with her impeccable organizational skills and ability to read his mind to some temp he’ll have to train?

 

“We were supposed to have lunch. I canceled; it was crappy of me,” he concedes a little desperately. He can’t believe she’s quitting because he’s been postponing a lunch. He’s done seriously worse things than this and she’s stood by him.

 

“This is what we were gonna talk about.”

 

“Tomorrow?” He asks, hoping maybe if they sit down together he can convince her not to leave him. To stay and maybe he can find something else for her to do. Something worthy of her considerable skill.

 

“We were gonna talk about where my job was going. Though working for you is an honor and a privilege, I'm ready for more and it’s not happening here - and I've started looking – “

 

“ _Slow down_!” He pleads. She’s talking so fast that it’s making his head spin. “We'll talk about it. Absolutely, you're right. Tomorrow. Lunch. You and me,” he promises, turning and leaving her in the bullpen so he can get to his meeting.

 

“She quits. Oy,” he mutters to himself, and he doesn’t truly believe her until he discovers the temp sitting at Donna’s desk.

 

* * *

 

“Donna quit.” He stands in the doorway of Leo’s new office, feeling like someone just shot his dog. She’s gone. He’s got a new temp with a hell of an attitude – someone who didn’t even know who Donna was until he told her. And then she had the audacity to try to give him Donna’s phone number. As if he doesn’t have that memorized after seven years!

 

“Donna Moss?” Leo asks.

 

“She’s gone…” He can’t focus on anything. The only thing in his mind is Donna. He failed. He tried to prove to her how much she means to him – how much he values her – and he failed. Upon returning to the White House, he realized that he couldn’t be with her the way he wanted. Not with the press scrutinizing every detail of this administration, and certainly not when Blarney Boy was still hanging around.

 

“You piss her off?”

 

“I don’t know. She has a new job,” he tells Leo.

 

“Good for her. See, I tried to tell you this. People move on.”

 

_Yeah_ , he thinks. _I just never thought Donna would_.

 

Even later, as he sits on the plane en route to Houston, he feels his stomach twisting. He should be happy for her – proud of her – but he can’t shake the feeling of betrayal. Even though he knows that she tried to sit him down to talk about this, he can’t believe she just up and quit in the middle of the bullpen. After eight years of working together – eight years of _friendship_ – how could she do this to him?

 

_You held her back_ , the voice in his head rings. _She can do more_. Josh runs his hands over his head, trying to quell the voice. He has to be angry with her. If he lets himself be anything but livid, the pain just might kill him.

 


	31. Opposition Research

There are cardboard cutouts of Bingo Bob everywhere. It’s kind of sickening.

 

Scratch ‘kind of’.

 

He doesn’t know what Will wants from him, but he has to admit he’s more than a little intrigued. As he walks through the Russell camp, he can’t help the way his eyes wander when he sees flashes of blonde in his periphery. How Bingo Bob managed to draw the attention of several young, attractive blondes is beyond him.

 

“How's the Santos juggernaut?”

 

“Juggering great,” he tells Will as he steps into the other man’s office. They’ve got a much more professional-looking setup than the Santos campaign, but at least the Congressman is a legitimate candidate instead of just a talking head. “Just opened our New Hampshire offices.”

 

“I understand if there's a tidal wave, you can paddle to safety.”

 

“Our money's going into the field,” Josh retorts. He knows Will is just joking with him, but he can’t help being a little offended. Will isn’t just his political competition; he took Donna from him. How he wishes her absence wasn’t such a distraction.

 

Rationally he knows it’s not true. Will didn’t steal her from him; she left of her own initiative, and he knows why she really left. It’s just so much easier to blame Will than to admit that he screwed up.

 

“Mind if one of my deputies sits in?” Will asks.

 

Josh shrugs. “It's your meeting.” He doesn’t even know what this is about; why would he mind? Will calls his deputy in on the intercom, and Josh huffs. “Why’d you wanna see me?” He asks.

 

Before Will can answer, a familiar voice finds his ears, and when he turns his head, it’s like a breath of fresh air. There she is, dressed casually in jeans and a sweater, rattling off information to Will the same way she used to do with him at the White House, and he feels a pang of jealousy. _That should be **us**._

 

Then she sees him and trails off, the word ‘Vermont’ tumbling off her lips.

  
“Hi,” he says almost immediately. It’s been too damn long. In actuality, it’s only been a couple of weeks, but going from spending more time with her than without her to never even _seeing_ her is a withdrawal like no other. The genuine smile that spreads across her face as she greets him back… there are no words for the feeling it creates in him.

 

But it fades after a short moment, and she turns away awkwardly, her eyes finding Will again almost as if asking him to save her, and the pain is back. Josh wants to throttle him for bringing her in here. It’s so obviously a ploy to soften him, and he hates that he almost falls for it.

 

After the meeting she asks if they can “not make this a thing,” and Josh knows she’s trying. He knows she didn’t want to leave _him_ , but he can’t help it. He’s so angry with her, and seeing her working here makes it worse. He promises her that it’s not a thing, but they both know he’s lying.

 

“You should be with me,” he tells Donna later as they lean against the car. “You're on the wrong campaign,” he adds quickly.

  
“I let Russell seduce me with mindless perks like a salary and actual political support,” she bites back.

  
“What make-work job do they even have you doing over there?”

 

“Media targeting for the Northeast and Pacific Northwest.”

  
_Well damn._ ”Fine,” he responds. “We're still the ones with the gutsy education plan and the ones speaking the truth about the New Hampshire primary,” Josh points out. He wants her to leave Russell’s campaign and come work for Santos, but he won’t beg. He’s too proud to tell her that he needs her. He used to be able to do his work without anyone, but now he doesn’t even know how to function without Donna. They’re barely a week into the campaign and he’s already losing his mind.

 

They go back and forth a bit, but it’s nothing like the banter that had become so precious to him over the last eight years. It’s not playful, and she doesn’t smile at him or poke fun. It’s obvious to him that she sees their relationship as nothing but professional, and that hurts more than her leaving in the first place.

 


	32. King Corn

She’s exhausted. In fact, she’s more exhausted than she ever was when she worked in the White House, but it’s more rewarding. Now she’s doing important things. Her job matters. She’s not just an errand girl for someone who underestimates her value.

 

Sometimes she hates herself for thinking that way. She knows that Josh valued her as more than just a secretary. She had more responsibility than any other assistants in the West Wing, but it just wasn’t enough for her. This – working for a national campaign – is infinitely more helpful to her career than being an assistant for another year.

 

As she heads for the elevator, she briefly lets her mind wonder. What would have happened if she hadn’t left? Would Josh have still convinced Santos to run? Would he have taken her along? Given her the responsibility she so desperately craved? She finds that hard to believe.

 

And besides that, CJ was right. She needed to do something that didn’t have anything to do with Josh Lyman. She stayed with him for years for personal reasons. She worries about him and knows he can barely function without her, but it came to a point that she needed to focus on her own needs.

 

She steps into the elevator and presses the button for the fourth floor, thinking she’s never been so excited to go to sleep.

 

” – hold the elevator!”

 

Donna fumbles for the button, but a hand darts through the opening in the elevator door, stopping it before she can. ”Sorry, I – ”

 

Speak of the devil and he will appear.

 

He’s on the phone, head down as he steps inside, but then his gaze finds her and his speech slows. “…Stuart, will you call me back in five? Thanks,” he says into the phone.

 

“I'm sorry, I couldn't find the button,” she reasons lamely as he turns to face the doors. Their shoulders are almost touching, but he feels so far away. Months ago this would have been perfectly natural, but now…

 

They’re not Josh and Donna anymore.

 

“Right,” he replies. “Will you hit four?”

 

She points at the button. Of course they would be on the same floor. It’s not enough that she has to be in the same elevator as him, but she won’t even be able to escape this awkward small talk that seems to have ensued.

 

The elevator opens and it’s just her luck that they both turn the same direction. It’s amazing how things have changed. Just a year ago she would have enjoyed this – treasured it, even – but now she’s itching to get away from this awkwardness.

 

She crosses in front of him to her door, grateful to have an excuse to get away. It’s funny, really, how she’s doing all of this in part to follow CJ’s advice of doing anything that doesn’t have to do with Josh and yet her new work has put her in direct conflict with him. It makes her a little miserable. Like she’s lost a piece of herself in trying to find purpose in her career.

 

Then she hears rustling behind her and she realizes that the worst case scenario has come true. He’s got the room directly across from her. She looks at him as he gropes for his key. “So…good night,” she says, turning and unlocking her door.

 

Donna fights the urge to help him with the key card, but in the end, it feels too natural to cross the hall and give him a little crap about swiping too fast. “I get – I get frequent flier miles every time I swipe,” he quips as she takes the key from him, carefully avoiding contact and failing, her fingers brushing against his.

 

She succeeds on the first try and opens the door for him, giving a tight-lipped smile as she hands the card back to him and turns back to her own room.

 

“So much for the… Bermuda trip,” she hears him joke.

 

Once on the other side of her own door, she drops her things and leans against the wall, letting her head fall back with a dull thud. She’d thought strange encounters in hotels with Josh were behind her now, but it seems she’ll never be able to shake him.

 

She hates the part of her that hopes that’s true.


End file.
